▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that the appearance is not an important factor to succeed. However in my opinion, attractive appearance and fashion can be essential factors for one's success. There are two reasons; first, it can make one to build relationship easily based on the first impression. Second, a person can get a job with a careful choice of attire and self-care. First of all, people who have attractive appearance can build good human relationship easily. The meaning of success has completely changed compared to the past. In the past, it was merely focusing on one`s own way to exceed others, now it is different. Along with your own ability, it is crucial to have people who can lend you a hand when you are in trouble. For example, when I was in college, in my department, my friend was not only handsome but also had good fashion sense. When I had met him, I had good feelings to him. Lately, I could know that other friends also had felt same emotion with me. When he was a sophomore, he won the election for the selection of the president of department. Many people said that he looked neat and trustworthy; through his clean clothes and well-cared appearance, he made a good impression to many people. Through this my example, good appearance can create positive images that creates relationship easily. is important in my life. --> 초점이 good relationship이 아닌 "외모와 옷에 신경을 쓸 경우 사람들에게 신뢰감을 줄 수 있다"로 바뀌어야 합니다. (본인이 작성한 예시는 인간관계를 쉽게 형성하는 것이 아닌 신뢰에 focus되어 있습니다) Second, it can help one get a job. Thus, we can make a lot of money. In the materialistic society, money is sometimes regarded as one`s power. If you have no money, you will be considered as a loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand in this society. We cannot deny the fact that other pleasures of life can be filled by much money to spare. For example, there was a poll conducted by the board of Labor in South Korea, 300 interviewer with respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus about the important factor in interview. The majority of respondents ranked appearance over others. An overwhelming 75% replied that the appearance of the potential candidates is very important. This is because the first impression cannot be changed and good impression gives interviewers trust. This survey demonstrates that attractive appearance is so important in getting a job. --> 작성된 내용은 별도로 분리된 reason이 아닌 1st reason의 일부처럼 보입니다. 잘 관리된 외모가 1) 신뢰감을 주고 2) 첫인상이 많은 것들을 결정할 수 있다 는 이유 등으로 방향을 정리해주세요. To sum up, regarding on making human relationship and getting a job, attractive appearance is an essential factor. In this regard, I firmly hold that attractive appearance and fashion make one succeed.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- template은 다양한 주제에 맞게 내용을 변형하고 활용할 수 있어야 합니다. Template사용 시 grammar & language = FAIR (본인 문장력 X) |