▶ Your Answer :
In today's society, various opinions from people at diverse age groups and from different culture may exist on the issue whether celebrities's opinion are more significant to younger people than the older people. I believe that their viewpoints are all rendered enough reasonable to support. (본문 내용에 직결되는 문장이 아니므로 불필요합니다) However, As far as I am concerned, I think that it is more important to younger people regarding the opinions of celebrities. I am firmly convinced that two essential reasons can be valid evidence for it : influence and motivation. To begin with, as a rule of thumb, people think that many fans of celebrities are mostly composed of younger people like students. Therefore, celebrities's impacts have more influence to them. Words and actions of celebrities plays more significant role in younger people's way of thinking and acting. A professor named Kyle Kim who is majored in psychology field in Yonsei University conducted a research and it has shown that overwhelming 67 percent of male students watch entertainers' contents on Youtube, and they are likely to imitate their popular words and actions even if the behaviors are considered as socially inappropriate. Its research also indicates that students are hard to judge some behaviors are on good or bad way. It proves that younger people are less logic to think by themselves and more tend to imitate their celebrities. (제시한 리서치 내용에서 추론할 수 없는 내용입니다. 대부분의 스타들의 팬이 어린 학생이라는 점과 관련된 예시를 제시해주세요; 예) 어린 학생들이 미디어에 더욱 노출되어 있고 또래 집단 내에서 유행에뒤쳐지지 않기 위해 스타 팬클럽 가입을 한다 등 ) As a consequence, I think the impacts of celebrities are more important to younger people.
On top of that, people admittedly think that popular celebrities like athletes make their dreams realized with hard struggles. In general, some younger people yet have their dreams to chase since they have no motivation. On the contrary, older people are often in the processing of realizing dream or even already made it successful, so elder people are less motivated by the opinions of celebrities. (어린 사람들이 어떻게 celebrity를 통해 motivated되는지 그리고 이로 인해 celebrity들이 어린 사람들에게 행사하는 영향력이 어떻게 커지는지에 대해 작성해주세요) Personally, I have an experience that I was motivated by one popular lawyer named Jay Moon in Korea when I was a student. I had no dream to chase and no motivation to fire. At that time, my parents made a chance to meet that lawyer for my future. As a result, I had a lot of conversations with him about strong work ethics and some practical abilities that current society wants. I also knew about the reality of lawyer with hard struggles behind very wonderful and attractive lifestyle. After that, I was motivated by that lawyer and studied hard. Not only this, but also I also made outstanding progress in my grades. Although lawyer Moon is not the most popular celebrity in the world, however, I think that he is very important person in my life until now. So This experience can be a valid evidence for supporting my viewpoints in fact. (제시한 인물이 celebrity가 아닌데 영향력을 받은 내용이 본인의 주제/주장과 연관이 있는지 재고 후 내용을 변형하거나 새로운 예시를 작성해주세요)
To sum up, for the reasons mentioned above, I think the thoughts and opinions of celebrities are more important to young people than older people. (제시한 이유에 대한 요약 등이 없어 결론 구성이 다소 부실합니다)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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