▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, spending time for
personal enjoyment plays a vital role in
people's lives in various aspects. Some people believe that people today spend
too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than
doing things they should do, while the other people do not. In terms of this
issue, I will choose the latter claim and there are two reasons as follows.
To begin with, by enjoying their
free time, people can relieve their stress. Having the outlet for stress has a
meaning in itself. It helps one regain energy and find strength to go on. People nowadays have pressure not only physically,
but also mentally. It can help them do mandatory things after spending time for
personal activities. For example, there was a poll conducted by Chosen
newspapers, which is one of the most influential news magazines in South Korea,
with young adults as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand
the consensus view about the relationship
between enjoying free time after spending
mandatory time. The respondents of majority ranked enjoying free time over
spending mandatory time. An overwhelming 80% responded that it is crucial to (be
people who) spend time doing (with their)
activities since reliving stress can help people get back on track. This survey
proves that people have a positive view on spending time for
personal enjoyment.
On top of that, spending time for personal hobbies can (students)
improve (their) sense of responsibility. Students have to do many things such
as studying subjects, joining many clubs, and hang out their friends. Spending
time for enjoyments requires them to manage
time, abide by the rules, and be diligent. When such obligations are fulfilled,
students are likely to realize that it brings out a
positive result. For example, my younger brother used to be lazy and
selfish. However, he had changed gradually after he participated in the school soccer club. In order to (he) enjoy his personal hobbies, he had to be diligent.
He realized that his laziness could negatively affect his life, while his
punctuality could help play with ease.
To sum up, I strongly believe
that the advantages of using the time for personal
enjoyment far outweigh those of focusing on the mandatory work for the reasons I have
mentioned above. All in all, the importance of having personal time for
activities cannot be underestimated in this world.
Writing Score (0-30): 22 - 25
Score (0-5): 3.50 – 4.00
Grammar & Feedback: 복수형, 관사 같은 작은 문법적 오류에 좀 더 주의
하세요. 수고하셨습니다.