▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
friendship plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the
places where they play or work. Some people think that old friends should be
kept even though they do what we hate while others do not. Both sides have
their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I
would say that friendship with old friends do not need to be always maintained.
There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, keeping
obsolete friendship can deteriorate people’s mental performance when their friend does engages
in something they do not like. If someone people try to keep a relationship with friends doing what the one hates, is involved in a behavior what people
hate and people keep their relationship, they are under pressure and get a
great deal of stress. Breaking up such friendship is likely to release their bodies' tension caused by such stress. For example, when my sister was in high school,
she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. One
of her classmates, who she had met him five years ago, made fun of her every day in
class, but which she did not like this behavior. However, to keep such long-standing relationship with
him, she just did not take any action.내용이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 오랜 관계를 유지하기 위해서 아무것도 하지 않았다?로 해석되는데 어색하게 느껴지는 것 같아요. 전하고자 하는 내용에 맞게 표현을 정확하게 수정해주세요. Fortunately, she was able to deal with
such pressure by breaking break this friendship. She told him that she did not want to
be made fun of, and finally, broke break the relationship with him. Also, after that,
she talked and mingled only with other friends that did not what she disliked
to avoid stress. By doing this, she was able to let off some steam. If she had
still preserve this relationship, she would not have been able to relieve her stress. 내가 싫어하는 일을 하는 상대와 억지로 관계를 유지하는 것이 스트레스를 유발한다는 내용은 좋은 주장입니다. '왜' 스트레스가 유발되는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 풀어서 설명해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
All things
considered, the disadvantages of keeping old friendship far outweigh its advantages
for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of old
friend cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of happiness in life.
Comment :
서론과 결론에서는 근거가 여러 개인 것처럼 말하고 있으므로 글의 일관성이 떨어집니다. 본론을 한 개만 제시할 경우에는 'the reasons'와 같은 표현 대신에 본론에서 사용한 주장 자체를 서론/결론에서 요약해서 제시해주면 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. 품사활용이나 수일치 등 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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