▶ Your Answer :
In today's society,
the economic situation is getting much more complicated complicating than the past decades.
Especially for some countries, after the economic depression, it is necessary for
citizens to gain requested required information on of Eeconomics. And without any doubt, I firmly
insisted that the high school students exactly need to learn and know well
about basic Eeconomics for the two main reasons as follows.
First, compared to the
past social economic systems, studying Eeconomics well is useful for high school
students today. As I mentioned in the introduction, rapid economic developments
are bursting all around the world, so the economic situation of the countries is are quite confusing nowadays. Should If the high school students learn Eeconomics in
their early age, they are able to adapt in new working conditions in the future more
easily. For example, according to the Ministry administration of Education in Korea in 2011,
the students who studied Eeconomics in high school are showing higher career achievement by 65 percent more than the students who have not studied it ever. The crucial
reason was that, while students studied Economics at high school, they had
opportunity to struggle with hard mathematical problems, and they were also provided
chances to deal with the economic problems which are happened in the real
world. These experiences helped them get accustomed to our social economy issues and
prepared for the company's job requirements. 첫 문장에서부터 문단의 요지를 명확히 밝혀주세요. '취업에 도움이 된다'하는 식으로 내가 생각하는 중요성을 먼저 밝혀주고 설명을 연결하는 편이 좋습니다. 단순히 도움이 된다는 설명은 너무 피상적이기 때문에 구체적으로 밝혀주는 것이 좋아요.
Second, E economics
itself is the fundamental knowledge which is students need to know. There are
some pre-requisite courses that force students to study like Algebra, Literature,
Science and so on. However, as the assertion that I mentioned in the first paragraph,
the importance of learning learn about Eeconomics is getting higher so the high schools should provide Eeconomics class for their students. Furthermore, it is
not easy for people to have chance to study about Eeconomics out of school unless they have
interest in Eeconomics. What is more, today's companies prefer the person who is
well-versed in Eeconomics. 문단의 요지가 불분명합니다. 표시한 내용은 서론과 앞문단 내용을 반복하는 설명이므로 새로 문단을 만들 필요가 없는 부분입니다. 왜 고등학교때부터 기본경제상식을 배워야 하는지 또다른 이점을 제시해주세요. For instance, when I was in high school, our school
set Eeconomics as the required course. Although it was a lot hard to understand,
the economic knowledges that I studied in that those days helps me understand the Eeconomics
courses that I study studied in University now. Had it not been for the Eeconomics class
that I took in the high school, I could not make a great achievement in my
academy GPA and took part in an internship program which was held by Economics Research
Institute. 사례 내용은 경제를 전공하는 학생에게 기초수업이 도움이 됐던 내용이므로 '모든 학생들이 기초 경제 상식을 고등학교 때부터 배워야 한다'라는 주제와 관련이 없습니다.
For these reasons, Eeconomics is the fundamental knowledge which is necessary for need the high
school students to study for their imagined future and to succeed success in Uuniversity
studies.
Comment : 좀 더 본론에서 제시하는 주장이 명확해지도록 내용을 발전시켜주세요. 현재 답안은 본론1, 2가 크게 구분되는 부분 없이 내용이 반복되고 있어서 논리가 부족하다는 인상을 줍니다. 한 문단에 많은 내용을 담을 것이 아니라 1. 다른 과목 이해에 도움을 준다 / 2. 이후 취업에도 도움이 된다, 하는 식으로 명확히 구분되는 두 가지 이점을 각각 두 본론으로 나누어서 다루는 구성으로 정돈해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 대소문자 오류, 품사 사용 등 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 살펴주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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