Some people believe
that our lives are freer more free and more convenient than the past time thanks to the cell
phone. However, in my opinion, I am against with this general perspective.
That is
because that people are not protected from the invasion of privacy and they should
more work more with cell phones. - 서론 한 문단으로 묶어주세요.
To begin
with, unlike people's expectation, cell phones do not prevent people from invading invade
other's others' privacy. 다른 사람의 사생활을 침해하는 것을 휴대전화가 막아주지 못한다는 표현이 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 사생활 침해의 문제 때문에 오히려 자유를 잃는다, 하는 식의 표현이 전하고자 하는 내용에 더 잘 부합할 것으로 보입니다. Due to With mobile phone, people can record everything wherever they go. In other words,
people can be monitored in everywhere and every time.
For this
reason, today there are diverse crimes related to privacy such as a hidden camera.
For
instance, there is a poll conducted by Seoul uUniversity psychology major with
500 company students as respondents. The
purpose of this survey is to understand consensus view about a hidden camera
crime. Overwhelming
75% students reported that they have fear about possibility i that they are
endangered with hidden cameras in any time, since all people hold cell phone in one's hand. - 본론1 한 문단으로 묶어주세요. 사례에서 많은 사람들이 몰래카메라를 두려워한다는 점이 나의 주장과 무슨 관련이 있는지도 같이 설명해주세요.
On top of
that, people do not escape from many tasks.
What I
mean is that, people can manage work regardless of place and time they are in.
Thus, companies company require their employees employer to perform more tasks as possible as they can.
To deal
with asked work, people work every time with their cell phone.
To
illustrate my opinion, I will talk about my father's story.
When our
family went to the beach in summer vacation, my father's cell phone was is
continuously ringing. Thus, my
father had to do should perform a task rapidly for his company's requirement require and he could does not take a rest play
with other family members. Instead,
he worked with his tablet phone in his car.
What I
want to talk through this experience is that cell phones do not help our us to be free escape from task.
To
summarize, cell phones do not have benefits for people when it comes to to protect their privacy
and escape from work. In this
regard, I firmly can not agree with the opinion that mobile phones give people more freedom.
Comment :
사생활과 업무 측면에서 자유를 오히려 저해한다는 주장이 아주 좋습니다. 설명과 사례 내용이 주장을 잘 뒷받침할 수 있도록 내용을 더 다듬고 보완하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 글의 구성이 서/본/결로 명확히 드러나도록 문단 묶는 부분도 신경써주세요. 문법오류가 많아서 감점요인이 꽤 될 것으로 보입니다. 수일치, 시제일치, 품사 사용 등 정확한 문법 사용에 유의하면서 연습해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5
An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following :
- Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details
(일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류)