▶ Your Answer :sSome people believe that our children are more creative due to the use of technology, but i I have an opinion that strongly disagrees on that claim. fFirst, children do not need to make something anymore. sSecondly, they are going to more similar similiar to each other rather than unique.
The following is specific reasons and supporting grounds to show my view. >서론 한 문단으로 묶고 한 줄 여백 넣어주세요. fFirst of all, as development of technology is on progress, children do not make something that requires creativeness anymore. fFor example, when technology was not that developed like today, limited to children, when they wanted a kind of to play, they created and assembled their toys by themselves or played with their thier friend. it's They were all active play. iIt made makes thier their brain active. whereas, However, as they get are close to technology, they came to spend a their leisure time using only technology this and be addicted to in tech. 기술에만 시간을 쓰고 기술에 중독된다는 표현은 이상해요. 현대기술이 제공하는 여러 가지 컨텐츠만 수동적으로 따라가고 중독성을 보인다, 스스로 놀이거리를 찾거나 아이디어를 생각하는 노력이 현저히 줄어들었다, 하는 식으로 구체적인 표현이 필요합니다. sSo the time when brain works is shorter.
>한 줄 여백 넣어주세요 On top of that, as most of machines that can have conversation with human beings offer precise answer to the question. and even children can't talk with wtih others person deeply. 아이들의 창의성에 대한 질문이므로 '사람'으로 범위를 넓히는 게 아니라 아이들 자체에 초점을 두고 주장을 보여주는 것이 좋아요. pPeople tend to depend on machines. however, iI think their creative opinion and thinking come from interaction with other people. sSome interesting surveys shows this case well. cChildren who use a convenient machine frequently in at home are less creative than those ones who are talking and playing with their family.
>본론2 한 문단으로 묶고 한 줄 여백 넣어주세요. tTo sum up, giving the opportunity to use technology has a bad effect on children especially. because childhood is the time when they develop creative thinking.
Comment : 서론/본론/결론을 갖춘 완결된 글이 되도록 문단 구분 명확히 해주세요. 문장 시작할 때 대문자로 쓰는 부분도 꼭 지켜주세요. 기본적인 요소들부터 잘 지켜주어야 글의 완성도가 올라갈 수 있습니다. 기술 발전으로 아이들이 스스로 생각할 기회가 줄어들고 타인과의 소통 기회가 줄어들어서 창의력이 줄어든다는 주장 자체는 좋은 논리입니다. 이 내용을 더 구체적으로 설명하고 적절한 사례를 보완해서 논리를 발전시켜주세요. 문법오류와 오탈자 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |