▶ Your Answer :
A substantial number of people believe that
the extended family is still important compared to the past. They insist that
younger family members can learn a variety of diverse knowledge from older generations.
However, in my opinion, the extended family is less crucial nowadays than in
the past. This is because it is difficult to compose extended families in nowadays
society, and people can get almost the whole information via a variety of
media.
To begin with, living with multiple
generations is hard in these days. This is mainly because nice schools and workplaces
are mostly located in the downtown, and elderly people prefer to live in the
quiet place, such as small town. In other words, each generation has their own preference
of an ideal living place. 굳이 같이 살 필요가 없어서 대가족 형태로 사는 것의 중요성이 별로 크지 않다는 점을 드러낼 수 있도록 설명을 조금 더 보완해주세요. A recent research conducted by Korean Senior Research
Center has shown that most old generations do not want to impose a heavy burden
on younger generations. In other words, they prefer to live without their
younger generations, and they want to focus on their own senior life. This
implies that the different point of view of each generation makes it hard to
compose an extended family. 대가족으로 살기 어렵다는 내용이 대가족의 '중요성'이 적다는 점을 보여줄 수는 없어요. 중요성이 과거보다 덜하다는 점이 드러나는 주장으로 흐름이 연결될 수 있도록 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요.
On top of that, nowadays people can get a great
deal of useful information through variable media, such as Ttelevision and the Internet. This means that the information from the media can replace the
experience and knowledge of older generations. The rationale behind this is
that modern people are able to obtain whatever information they want with one
mouse click on the iInternet, and a variety diverse of Ttelevision programs offer useful
information to us. In other words, the elderly’s transmission of experience is not that important effective in these days. For instance, my parents had learned cooking recipes and
how to perform ancestral rites from their parents and grand-parents. However, nowadays
the Iinternet information takes the place of older people’s know-how. The iInternet provides
the whole process of an ancestral rite in detail, and we can learn useful
recipes, both creative and traditional, through cooking programs on television.
As this example demonstrates, media would substitute the elderly’s knowledge
and know-how. '같이 살 필요가 없음'이나 '같이 사는 것의 중요성이 줄어듦'에 대한 내용이 되어야 합니다. 단순히 노인세대의 지식이 필요 없다고만 마무리하면 논점이 맞지 않으니 흐름을 다듬어주세요.
To sum up, the different way of life among each
generation makes it difficult to organize an extended family, and the elderly’s
knowledge and experience would be superseded by nowadays media nowadays. In this regard,
I strongly agree with the statement that nowadays the extended family is less significant
than in the past.
Comment : '대가족의 중요성이 예전만큼 크지 않다'라는 입장으로 논리가 모일 수 있도록 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. 단순히 대가족으로 살기 어렵다거나 지식을 다른 데서 배울 수 있다고만 설명하는 것이 아니라 '각자의 선호대로 따로 삶을 꾸려나가도 어렵지 않게 살 수 있고, 함께 살면서 삶의 방식을 배우지 않아도 충분히 정보를 얻을 수 있기 때문에' 과거처럼 함께 사는 것이 그렇게까지 중요하지 않다, 라는 흐름을 만들어볼 수 있어요. 내용 자체가 완전히 주제를 벗어나는 것은 아니니 연결고리만 잘 보완해도 논점에 맞는 답안으로 잘 다듬을 수 있으실 거예요. 몇 가지 대소문자 오류도 함께체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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