▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that cars have made a greater impact on society that airplanes. However, I think airplanes have given the greatest impact on society. First, airplanes have given people many opportunities. Second, airplanes have saved the free time of travel. First, Mmany opportunities were given to people by riding airplanes. Thanks to the plane, people can go abroad to study or work. pPlanes can move or deliver things to other areas fast. to outlaying area Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I was doing my study on Japanese culture, Iit was too hard to understand the entire concept of Japanese culture only with materials in class. For that reason, I decided to go to Japan and I was able to experience and learn Japanese culture firsthand. 사회적으로 미친 영향에 대한 질문이므로 주장과 사례가 '영향'에 더 초점이 가는 것이 좋아요. 그렇게 사람들을 해외이동이 쉽게끔 만들어줘서 사회가 어떻게 변했는지를 더 구체적으로 설명하고, 내가 제시한 사례도 주장과 무슨 관련성을 보여주는지 구체적으로 설명해주세요. Second. airplanes made it possible for people to spend their free time more enjoyable than before. People could reduce travel time because airplanes are the fastest vehicle. My grandmother said that when there were no planes, it took 4 or 5 days for going to go to the city of Busan from Seoul but today this travel takes only 1 hour. If people travel by plane not a car or a boat, they can enjoy more time and feel more relaxed. 마찬가지로 사회적으로 끼친 영향(변화상)과 관련된 설명을 더 보완해주세요. In conclusion, airplanes provided not only opportunities but also a reduction in travel time. For these reasons, I strongly believe that airplanes have made more impact on society than cars.
Comment : 이동 반경이 넓어진 것과 이동시간 단축으로 인한 자유시간 확보는 입장을 뒷받침하기에 좋은 주장입니다. 각 본론에서 설명을 더 충분히 보완해서 설득력을 높여주세요. 개인의 삶보다는 사회적인 영향으로 풀어내는 편이 논제의 방향에 잘 맞으니 이 부분도 유의하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
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