▶ Your Answer :
Considering the issue given in the
question, there are some people who believe that having a job disturbs studying is disturbed to
do study. suggesting that if teenagers have job, they cannot catch up with
their study. At first, from my initial impression, their position appeared to
be sensible and appealing, however, with proper balancing the matter, they seem
to be missing something more important. My view on the issue is that working
jobs can help student growing other ability. This idea is to be discussed based
on the two perspectives. Teenagers relieve stress from too much study, and
besides, they can experience something different than studying except of study in the school. First, one of the most noteworthy points is
that students who hate study and life in the school get rid of these element of
stress. Regarding this idea, albeit there should be pros and cons, and at the
same time, proponents and opponents, however, I have many references to support
and confirm the pros, and the following example lies in the case of me. When I
was at the high school, I was working at the Taekwondo gym. In the gym, I
taught middle school students who want to change the color of belt. For me, teaching
was a very rewarding job and I relieved stress which I received gave me in the school. One more cause for my belief is that they
can get other experience that cannot feel in the school. After a meticulous
contemplation on the questioned issue, I have found many reasonable examples to
weaken the belief of the opponents. The one special example, which comes to my
mind at first and most strongly, is the story of me, as well. When I was at the
high school, I was having voluntary service that could help sick people. I talked
to the sick people and helped with cleaning and washing. Accordingly, I vowed
to be a person to help more people. It’s the time to expand my view It was the time that expanded my view. It is sure that every idea or thinking has
its flaws, and we all know that nothing can be perfect. However, as far as it
is concerned about the question, the evidence to support the thesis of this
writing is overwhelming: Tteenagers relieve stress from life of a student. Besides,
they can get something that they could not experience anywhere. These two
reasons are making the idea crystal clear that working jobs can help student
growing other ability.
첨삭해주셔서 정말 감사드립니다.
Fair (17-18)
서론 -서론 너무 깁니다. 또한, 줄친 부분 불필요하고 반복되는 내용입니다. -그냥 disturbs studying이 더 적절하고 깔끔한 표현입니다. -except of study는 어색한 표현입니다. studying과 다른 으로 표현해주시거나, besides studying 으로 표현해주세요. 첫번째 본문 -school 이 stress를 주지 stress가 stress를 주지 않습니다. 현재 쓰신 것은 stress gave me 로 순서가 되므로 어색합니다. stree I received in the school로 써주세요.
두번째 본문 -마지막 문장 시제 문맥상 맞지 안습니다. 또한, view expansion이 어떤 쪽으로 어떻게 일어났고 무슨 결과/영향을 가져왔는지 더 구체적으로 써주세요. 결론 -대소문자 오류. :뒤에 고유명사 제외하고 소문자 씁니다. -명사 앞에 관사
본문에서 어떤 ability를 키웠는지 나오지 않습니다. 그 부분에 대해서 더 자세히 써주세요. 또한, 어떻게 내 의견을 지지/ 혹은 반대의견을 반박할 것이다가 본문 내용의 반입니다. 더 중요한, 본인의 이유와 그에 대한 설명에 대한 내용을 더 비중있게 써주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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