▶ Your Answer :
Sometimes, country's leaders should concentrate on a thing for improving the prosperity of their country. I think that increasing the number of jobs for unemployed workers is the best thing for the country among increasing the number of jobs, deflating to deflate food price, and supplying to supply house at a cheaper price. There are two reasons why and I will demonstrate them in this essay. First of all, having jobs improves the self-esteem of unemployed people. Jobs can be a tool to define oneself. Most people find themselves in their job. If a person does not have any job, he or she is deprived the chance to define oneself. Because of this, many unemployed persons think that they are not useful persons and lower-grade citizens. When they have a job, they can think differently and will find their identity. My case can be a typical example. I was not accepted by any company when I graduated from my college. It was so shameful for I graduated from one of the top schools in Korea. The frustrating situation made me feel really bad about myself. I played games and watched television for a whole day at that time. My doctor diagnosed me with depression and prescribed some anti-depressants. After this, After I was hired by a large company, however, and I felt that I was am a member of society because of my job. This is not a special case and there are other people experiencing experienced a similar thing. 사람들이 직업이 없으면 우울하다는 내용만 설명하는 게 아니라 a country's leader들이 이 부분에 신경써야 한다는 주장까지 연결할 수 있는 연결고리가 필요합니다. 국가는 개인이 개인의 정체성을 가지고 행복한 삶을 살도록 만들기 위해 노력할 의무가 있으므로 그 부분에서 중요한 취업 부분에 더더욱 신경써야 한다는 내용이 본론 안에 들어가야 해요. On top of that, multiplying jobs is crucial for economic growth. If there are more jobs, net gross-income of the household will increase. This leads the increase of consumption because people have more excessive money to spend. The virtuous circle can be initiated by this way. There are statistics made by economists. 이 부분에서도 마찬가지로 국가 리더들이 국가 경제에 신경쓰는 것이 대단히 중요한데 취업률을 높임으로써 이 부분에 도움이 되니까 이게 중요하다, 하는 논리 흐름을 보여주면 좋을 것 같아요. According to them, economic growth of a nation is closely related to the household gross income. If the income increases, the economy expands. On the contrary, Iif the income decreases, the economy shrinks. This is proven by many empirical data and most economists accept this. To sum up, creating jobs for unhired citizens is the most important one to be considered by a country's leaders among creating jobs, cheaper food, and lower house price. This is because jobs can help unemployed people to live better life by boosting their self-esteem, and increasing the number of jobs is crucial for economic growth.
Comment : 개인의 자존감과 경제적 측면에서 아이디어를 잘 만들어주셨어요. 내용을 설명할 때 국가리더들이 이 부분에 신경써야만 한다는 점을 강조하면서 내용을 풀어가면 주제와의 관련성을 높이는 데 도움이 될 것 같아요. 철자오류와 문법오류가 종종 있으니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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