▶ Your Answer :
People sometimes should make choose a
significant decision in their lives. Some people think that making make a decision
alone is better than making make a decision with other people. However, I don’t agree
with this those idea. I strongly believe that people who make an important decision
have to discuss with others. There are two reasons why I think like that, and I
will explain those reasons in my essay.
First of all, 다른 사람에게 상의하는 것이 더 practical한 결정을 내리는 데 도움이 된다는 점이 요지이므로 그 내용을 먼저 소개해주세요. some people have experienced the same thing I have before which I am concerned about. Therefore, when I discuss some problems with those him or her, I can get practical advice from them. Undoubtedly, it will be
helpful for making a right decision. For example, when I was 19 years old, I
worried about my future job seriously, and I asked my teacher for debating this
problem. Thankfully she gave me so many documents and advised a crucial things seriously.
Thanks for those helps, I could choose a better way of my future. If I made a
decision alone, I could choose a worse way. 선생님이 많은 도움을 주셨다는 것이 '경험'에서 기인한 것이 아니므로 맥락이 맞지 않습니다. 주장과 관련된 사례로 내용을 다듬어주세요.
Secondly, discussing about a decision with other
people is helpful for having wide views. Sometimes people can be obsessed with a biased
point of view so they cannot escape from that thought. This usually interrupts them us from finding to
find a good opportunity or a better way. If people discuss dispute their problems with other
people, they can get a fresh perspective others have. For example, I sometimes face a
problem when I do my assignments. In general, I try to solve the problem alone,
but I cannot come up with a special idea in many times because I am caught with
one thought. Then I ask my friends for advice about the problems and sometimes they give gave me
new ideas which I do not think about. Undoubtedly, it is really helpful for
making a good decision. If I try to come up with a good idea alone, I will never get a
special idea like that. 숙제를 할 때 다른 사람들의 의견을 묻는 것은 '중대한 결정'이라는 문제의 주제와는 맞지 않습니다. 주제와 부합하는 내용의 사례로 수정해주세요.
To
sum up, making a significant decision with other people has two advantages; people can
get a crucial advice, and can think widely. For these two reasons, I strongly
believe that making a decision with other people is decisively to choose a
better way.
Comment : 다른 사람들과 함께 결정을 내려야 더 실용성 높은 결정을 할 수 있고, 여러 관점에서 살펴보기 때문에 문제를 더 넓은 시야로 바라볼 수 있다는 점은 주제에 잘 부합합니다. 이 내용을 더 구체적으로 잘 설명할 수 있게끔 논리를 보완해주세요. 사례 내용의 경우 논점에 맞지 않는 부분들 수정이 필요합니다. 주제와의 연관성이 떨어지는 부분들이 주요한 감점요인이 되니 유의해주세요. 문법오류도 더 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |