▶ Your Answer : Various opinions may exists over the argument that which is the best way to make friends. I think traveling is the best method to make new friends. The two ideas stated below can be used to support my view. >space First, traveling aborad abroad and meeting new people shows outstanding effectiveness in making new friends freinds because people can meet many people of diverse backgrounds and be deviated from the stereotype. sterotype. Modern society admittedly requires people who surpass others both in specialty and sociability. To be more specific, interpersonal relationships and social skills are necessary qualifications for any successful person. Therefore, given the need for collaboration traveling overseas is vital for building promising future. 사교성이 좋으면 좋다는 내용은 '친구를 사귀는 방법과 관련이 없으므로 논점에 맞지 않는 내용입니다. According to a research conducted by Seoul National University of Korea, most of the respondents answered that they were significantly helped by experiencing other countries. If there were no chances to travel, they might have had some difficulties in making new friends. Therefore. traveling is effective for broadening social network. 새로운 주장이 아니라 앞 내용을 뒷받침하는 사례이므로 자연스러운 연결이 될만한 접속부사를 써 주거나 본론을 한 문단으로 합치는 게 나아 보입니다. Moreover, my personal experience can be used to support my view. When I was young, I went to Japan. It was so awkward because I did not know Japanese and the life style syle was so different. For example, in Korea, all of cars have has to go to left side of the road. However, in Japan all vehicles have to go to the th right side of the road. All these situation made it me so difficult for me to adapt in that country. Someday, One day, I met the a boy of my age in the swimming pool there. I was so excited to meet the Korean in the Japan and also he was. We get closer closed fast and we played together togehter all day. Meeting the person from the same country coutry make made my feelings relaxed and comfortable. Therefore, while traveling in travel, people can easily make friends. >space As explicitly and logically elaborated above, I suggest that traveling is the best way to make friends.
Comment : 여행이 친구를 사귀는 데 도움이 되는 이유를 좀 더 명확히 제시해주세요. 낯선 곳에서 반가움을 느껴서 친해지기 좋다고 설명한 것처럼 '왜 친구를 사귀기에 좋은지'가 main idea로 제시되어야 글이 명료해질 수 있어요. 문법오류가 많은 편이니 이 부분도 더 신경쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 글을 전개하는 과정에서 논점에 맞지 않는 내용이 들어가지 않게 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |