▶ Your Answer : There is controversial debate that university should use budget to improve access to technology, such as computers and printers than to create spaces where students can meet people. This is intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, budgets of university should be used to advance access to technology, such as including not only computers and printers but also laboratories lab and equipment. Let me This essay will explain why I think this way. that.
First of all, university budget should be used to develop access to technology. 이 문장은 서론에서 이미 제시한 내용이므로 반복이 불필요합니다. 왜 그렇게 생각하는지가 문단의 요지가 되어야 해요. To be specific, out of university, access to technology such as lab is difficult and even some equipment cannot be used. There are many places just to use computers and printers out of school but there are not many places such as Lab. For example, many universities are evaluated designated as inefficient university because of not only financial problems but because of their poor results of researches. Actually, many universities have been built main administration buildings or campus luridly so that they do not use money to make more Labs. Many students have to wait to use Lab orderly but the access is not easy. As a result, they cannot concentrate on their research. Therefore, it proves that university budget should be used to improve access to technology such as Labs.
Secondly, universities have to invest budget to use more technological equipment than to make spaces where students can socialize. 마찬가지로 '무엇을 위해서' 이렇게 해야 된다고 보는지 문단의 요지를 첫 문장에 써 주세요. To be specific, tuition fee of university is amazingly expensive and many students get student loan because of the enormous tuition. If universities University do not provide technological equipment such as computers, Labs, and cameras, students would be forced to shoulder a heavy financial burden. For example, my friend who study design in my university cannot could not borrow a camera which is used to several lectures at from school. So my friend had to borrow a camera and a camcorder at a private service provider and she got so that she feels a huge financial burden because of not only tuition fee as well as but also the extra fee such as lent fee of camera. However, spaces where students can socialize can use be café which is in front of university and even it is economical. Therefore, it proves that universities should use their budget to improve access to technology, such as cameras, computers, Labs, and printers.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that university budget should be used to develop access to technological equipment. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been efficiently and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Comment : 전하고자 하는 내용이 명확하게 전달될 수 있도록 각 본론에서 요지를 먼저 소개해주세요. 영문에세이는 두괄식 문형을 취하기 때문에 각 문단에서 요지(대학의 연구 증진에 도움이 된다, 학생들의 학습 부담을 덜어준다)를 먼저 보여주고 설명과 사례를 연결해야 합니다. 내용이 불필요하게 겹치는 부분들이 종종 있는데, 논리가 좀 더 정돈되면 좋을 것 같아요. 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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