▶ Your Answer : Along with the technological revolution, people often discover themselves in the midst of troubles. It is usually understood that the news media is a trustworthy source of impartial information. Some people, however, consider that it is not. they are not. With rational thinking, I can only agree that the latter statement is reasonable. Within the number of Among innumerable reasons, which induce my assessment, there are two noticeable phases: means to control the people, and changed viewpoint with according to its their own preferences.
There could be many causes for this; nevertheless, the primary argument for this is that, historically, dictators exploited the news to manage the people as their will. As we all recognize, accepting the new questioningly will be required for us if we study Hhistory. For example. in the modern history of Korea, a few some dictators used the news to pretend that their behaviors had not been wrong. At that time, they exposed lots of suggestions through the news media that their illegally arresting, killing some of the people, and broody bloody suppression included without justifications. So, the people thought government would be good though it was dictatorial. I used to be in agreement with their thought for a few years on the ground that they eventually made us opulent economically and even politically. But, after studying history, I perceived that the news media could be used as an instrument that justifies the unlawful authority. Thus, the news media could be regarded as one of the representatives for dictatorship. 독재를 대표하는 것의 일종이 될 수 있다는 내용은 주제와 너무 동떨어진 느낌입니다. '왜' 신뢰할 수 있는 정보출처라 보기 어려운지에 대한 main idea를 제시해주세요. 독재 정당화에 일조하는 역할을 했다는 점은 '사례'에 해당합니다. 뉴스미디어가 정치적 외압의 영향을 받을 수 있고 외압에 의해 공정한 보도가 어렵기 때문에 reliable and unbiased source라 보기 어렵다는 주장을 먼저 제시해주세요.
An additional viewpoint that ought to be taken into in to account is that topics of the new media are determined in accordance with the journalist's stances. People have their own perspectives when watching some accidents. For instance, I love playing computer games, so I usually spend my break time playing them. However, I had an a opportunity to read real some an article about adverse effects of playing computer games. tThe article mentioned that most of computer games could make people violent, have red-eyes, and bring about body-imbalance when sitting a chair for a while. As well as Not only that, I found out another article that contains totally an opposed statement with from the former one. That is, playing computer games could prevent us from getting some particular diseases like dementia, and depression. So, I realized that each person's perspectives have an effect on producing the new media.
Subsequent to mulling over the query, I have come to grasp that the news media is not trustworthy source owing to some dictators in history and the journalist's stance. However, everything has two sides, and in order for the disadvantages not to prevail, we should exercise caution and moderation. As we all know, too much of anything is bad for us.이 부분 마무리 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 적절하게 다듬어주세요.
Comment :
두 본론의 주장이 같은 등위의 것이 되도록 논리를 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 독재의 도구가 될 수 있다는 점은 주장이 아니라 '정치적 압력에 의해 좌우될 수 있으니 믿을만하지 않다'라는 근거에 대한 사례로 활용될 수 있는 내용입니다. 본론2에서도 journalist개인의 시야가 들어가는 것이 '왜' reliable하지 않다는 것인지를 간단히 언급해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 템플릿을 응용하면서 흐름이 어색해진 부분들도 같이 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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