▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is more important for
universities to spend their funds to improve food at university cafeterias than
to support social activities for students. However, I believe that nothing is
more important for universities to provide social activities. This is because
social activities lead students to develop their social skill, while improving
food quality is not necessary.
To begin with, using funds for providing social activities enables students to
meet an opportunities to interact with other students. In modern time,
growing social skill is more important to one person's success than ever
before.
However, the majority of Korean university students do
not doesn't encounter abundant chances to interact with others.
Interestingly, a professor in the Seoul National University had done an
experiment related to this view. A process of
the experiment was tracking two students groups' academic scores of a group
project course. One group was made up of students who enjoyed a lot of social
activity, and another group did not didn't
have bountiful experiences of social activity.^A
difference of two groups' end is highly visible. Average of the former group's
score is much higher than later group's. This was due to the fact that a
person's social skill can be developed by social activities. In this regard, I
firmly believe that universities should spend their money to making social
activities.
Secondly, Tthere are many restaurants
outside the universities, and a lot of university students is are more
likely to have lunch at these restaurants. For
example, a famous social scientist published an article in "Korea
Statistics" last Sunday, that claimed university students' tendency
about their lunch. The article announced that the 80 percent of 200 students
prefer to have lunch at a restaurant outside their university. A reason for the
majority was that they can refresh their brain during going out the university.
They added that they need a minimum amount of time to get out of their study,
and they used their lunch time for the minimum. In this regard, I think that it
is not necessary to use their budgets to improve food at university
cafeterias.
To sum up, I strongly believe that universities should use funds and efforts to
provide diverse social activities for their students,. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated by the reason that I have mentioned above.
Good (24) 첫번째 본문 -수 일치 opportunities 복수 앞에 an 붙이지 않습니다. -수 일치 does not-->do not -축약형 지양 doesn't-->do not -related to 전치사 붙여주세요 -축약형 지양 didn't-->did not -띄어쓰기 오류 -내용 괜찮습니다. 주장과 에시가 잘 이어집니다.
두번째 본문 -대소문자 오류 -수 일치 students are -lunch at 전치사 넣어주세요. -어차피 밖에서 먹으니까 식당 개선 필요없다는 좀 약한 이유입니다. 식당 음식에 대한 만족도가 높고, 학생들이 밖에서 많이 먹는다 로 좀더 설득력을 높여주세요.
결론 -문장 부호 오류
내용 개선 두번째 본문 필요합니다. 문법/표현 오류 많습니다. 개선해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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