▶ Your Answer :
With time, people's perception and values have changed
drastically. Familial values are one of the many aspects that has faced
remarkable transformations. Among these, considerable debate has arisen on
whether extended family is still valued as it was in the past. From my
viewpoint, extended family now has functionally been debased for the following
reasons.
First and foremost, the modern era seems to be majorly characterized by
individualism. More than collective values, which was of cardinal importance to
the societies and communities in the past, the differing perspective of the
individuals and their rights came to be respected. This proves why the people
in the twenty-first century have become reluctant to form extended families.
Extended family, which houses a myriad number of constituents, forces it
members to take care of each other as the social protocol indicates. Imbued
with intense individualistic mindset, they will feel extremely burdened to help
each other, receiving a colossal amount of stress.
Recently a team of renowned social scientists have come to corroborate this
phenomenon through a number of researches. They have discovered that the stress
rate of those in the extended family had been comparatively higher than those
in the nucleus family. Subjective as stress may be, the fact that the vast
majority living in the extended family had been shown to be relatively unhappy
seem to validate this view.
Last but not the least, extended family had been of remarkable importance in
the past for the security reasons. As burglary and plundering was running
rampant in the past society, a bigger and powerful family structure was a
prerequisite to maintaining wealth and the lives of the family. However, owing
to the outstanding technological advancement, security systems that prevent
such petty crimes from occurring are being equipped at every doors of the
world. According to the statistics, already ninety percent of the doors are
equipped with security door lock that efficiently impede criminals from entering.
At every 100 meters, there are CCTVs, monitoring the streets twenty-four seven,
drastically reducing the number of crimes happening. This way, technological
advancement in security systems have rendered powerful families worthless.
In conclusion, I firmly believe extended family carries less weight in the
modern society for the following reasons: Ffirst,
the shifting of perception to individualism has made extended family much of a
burden to its members. Secondly, unprecedented upgrades in security system made
large and big families uncalled for.
Good (28–30) 첫번째 본문 -Recently 부분처럼, 같은 본문 안에서 줄바꿈하지 않습니다.
결론 -: 다음에는 고유명사 제외하고 대부분 소문자를 씁니다.
영문 에세이를 수준급으로 쓰시네요. 어휘, 문법, 표현 좋습니다. 자잘한 실수들 개선하시면 고득점 하실 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
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