▶ Your Answer :
In today’s society, it is widely believed that friends have a great impact on students. Some people advocate that this is because most
students spend a large amount of time with their friends. However, I disagree with this
view. Upon closer examination, it is obvious that students are more influenced
by their teachers than by their friends in that students are educated by
teachers and students respect their teachers.
Frist First of all, teachers have an influence on their student by teaching something. In
other words, teachers are able to convey not only educational knowledge but
also their thought. So students are likely to be exposed to their teacher’s own idea
with respect to politics and social problems. In my own experience, when I was a freshman in university, I took an
introduction to an economics course. That time, the professor spent most of time on
talking about real problems in our society rather than teaching a things in text books.
He always said that government involvement was important solution in order to
escape and prevent financial crisis. So that time, I had a perspective that
government is an important factor in the real world. However, when I was a senior, I
took economic history class. In this class, the professor emphasized the
principle of free market. It was opposite opinion that I knew. So after taking
this class, my point of view about economics was changed. In this sense, I
think students are susceptible to knowledge as well as perspective teachers
convey. 단순히 교사가 어떤 영향을 미치는지 설명하는 것이 아니라 '이런 점에서 친구들보다 교사의 영향력이 더 크다'라는 점을 뒷받침해야 한다는 점에 유의해주세요. 선생님이 왜 학생들의 사고방식에 영향을 미친다고 보는지, 이 영향이 친구의 영향보다 더 중대하고 큰 영향으로 보는 이유가 무엇인지를 언급해주면 논제와의 연관성을 더 잘 드러낼 수 있어요.
On
top of that, students are more affected by teachers because most students
respect for their teacher. To be specific, whenever students have some problem
and worry, they want to go their teacher’s office to get advice. This is because they
trust and depend on their teacher. For example, according to a survey done by
the New York Times, it revealed that when students had to choose their
important decision, they went to teacher’s office in order to ask for advice.
This The survey indicated that 90 percent of students chose their major and job through
deep consulting with teachers. This showed that teachers have a big influence
on student’s future plan. In this regard, teachers have a great positive effect on their
students.
To
sum up, it is my belief that students are more influenced by teachers rather than
friends. As stated, teachers convey knowledge and thought to their students and
students respect their teachers and depend on them. Therefore, teachers have to try to teach and deal with better for their students.
Comment : 교사의 영향력이 어떤 부분에서 어떻게 큰지에 좀 더 초점을 두고 풀어주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 학생들에게 생각을 전한다는 표현이나 학생들이 존경한다는 표현만으로는 '영향력'의 정도를 보여주기에 아쉬운 감이 있어요. 친구들과 다르게 교사가 크게 영향을 미치는 부분, 그리고 그 부분이 굉장히 중요한 부분이라는 점을 강조하는 데 초점을 두고 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 오탈자와 수일치 오류가 종종 있으니 proof-reading때 꼼꼼히 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |