▶ Your Answer :
Some people say that technology has made our children less
creative than in the past because it led the children to have passive thinking.
In my opinion, however, their misconception should be handled with the positive
sides of the technology. It cannot only help our children to express their
opinions and imaginations by the high technological tools, but also makes their
minds to accept different perspectives in wider range.
First, our children educated under advanced technology will
perform better at expressing their ingenuity. Children in old times had to
spend a long time on inventing their creative products. Whereas, However, children with
technology knows how to handle with making make new things in their mind with advanced tools even
though no one ever taught how to use them. it. For example, my cousin who is only
nine years old and no one in her family did not teach her how to watch a video
via YouTube. She only learned taught herself by a simple click just as the internet
gave her right information. Then she started to make her own videos and tried
to find out how to edit her own video clips. Without technology, she would not
even dare to figure out she has an amazing talent such as that. 아이들이 배우지 않고도 툴 조작을 잘 할 수 있다는 설명은 그렇게 중요한 부분은 아니기 때문에, 기술이 많이 발전해서 접근성이 높고 아이들도 '쉽게' '표현을' 잘 할 수 있는 환경에 놓여있다는 점에 더 초점을 두면 좋을 것 같아요. 지금 흐름은 요즘 아이들이 예전 아이들보다 더 똑똑하다는 식으로 잘못 읽힐 우려가 조금 있어요. topic이 'creativity'를 이야기하고 있으므로 요즘 아이들이 현대기술 덕분에 더 creative하다는 나의 입장으로 연결되도록 흐름을 만들어주는 것이 좋아요.
Second, different and wide perspectives to the world will be
also given to the children if they are educated with high technology. Wide
perspectives mean they are more likely to have an ability of accepting alien
cultures and minds of others. The more information and inspiration is earned and
shared with others the other through the technology, the more children can be open minded to look at the world in various ways. For example, in the past, during the old times, no one could think of
interacting with others in another country. There was no tool or device to meet
them but books, which was so indirect to contact new culture and information.
Look at now, children in class can talk to foreign friends from the other
countries and share their thoughts and opinions so that they realized there are
more creative minds that ~내용 마무리해주세요
결론 문단 만들어주세요~
Comment : 끝부분 내용이 조금 잘린 것 같아요. 일단 올려주신 부분까지만 보았을 때는 일관되게 입장을 잘 서술해주신 점이 좋았어요. 입장을 뒷받침하는 근거를 제시할 때 creativity와 high technology와의 연관성을 더 살려서 보여줄 수 있도록 흐름을 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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