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Your Answer :
Some people might say that the extended family still
serves as an important role in our lives. However, in my understanding, I do
not agree with the statement for two reasons.
(concerning that we) People usually leave their hometowns to find a job or to go to school. Moreover, telecommunication
technology has enabled people to communicate
regardless of locations. (been way
developed enough to ask after one another no matter how far they are.)
To start with, people nowadays no longer take over the
family business, and go to other places for education and job opportunities. In the past, people usually
worked in agriculture, which required many workers.
For this reason, they had no choice but to live together to subsist. On
the other hand, people mostly go their own ways now. For example, there is a poll conducted by the Gallup Organization in
2016 with 5,000 random young adults from all around the world. (as respondents.)
The purpose of this survey was to find the consensus view about succession of the
family business. The result was quite
intriguing. The overwhelming of 92% had responded that they were not willing to
follow in their fathers’ footsteps, but to pursue
their own dreams. It was because they wanted to experience the new world and they said that they had
different interests. (with their
parents.) This survey proved that people want to
(do not want to succeed their family business and) leave their homes for their
own success.
On top of that, people are
able to stay in touch with their families
thanks to communication technology. To be more specific, we can talk to anyone
whenever we want to. (member of our families anytime anywhere.) For instance,
my uncle moved to Australia for work 10 years ago. At that time, it was hard to communicate online as we did not have
smart phones back then. (we had a hard time to communicate and see one
another.) We just sent each other letters (caught
up with one another) once a month (though letters,) which was so inconvenient. (As
time has passed, now,) Fortunately, we all
have smart phones. By using them, we can call whenever we want. He even calls his family every day. What I want to say is that
there is no problem with communication these days.
To sum up, we do not tend to live together and high
technology has made it possible for us to talk to each other. In this regard, I
firmly hold that the extended family is not that important any more.
Writing Score (0-30): 21 -24
Score (0-5): 3.25 – 3.75
Grammar & Feedback: 문법적인 실수와 어색한 표현들이 종종 있었습니다. 제시 하신 예시들이 설득력이 조금 부족한 듯 보입니다. 수고하셨습니다.