▶ Your Answer :
There is an ongoing debate whether leaving home at an
early age or staying with the family a little longer is better for young
people.
(An ongoing debate exists whether which situations is
better, leaving home or stay.) We cannot deny
the fact that efficiency is important in our lives. Personally, I prefer to
live with families for a longer time.
To begin with, people should stay home with their
families for a longer time. It is because
they can make good use of their resources more efficiently and save their
energy and time. Opponents of my perspective claim that it is better for people
to leave their homes and be independent. (live
alone or with others.) (Proponents of this view offer as the rational for their
argument. 이 의견의 지지자들이 어떤 논리를 주장 하는지에 대한 부연설명이 없습니다.)
However, their argument
(supporting of their claims) is somewhat unconvincing and inadequate. On top of that, my personal example can clarify
that people should live with their families for a longer
time. My cousin Veronica went to college and decided to stay home with her
parents. On the other hand, I decided to leave home to live in a dorm. (lived
with her family for a time when she was a student in Korea -University, while I
went out from my home and lived in a dorm.) I was
very pleased because I was given more freedom. (satisfied and convenient
at first time because nobody interfered with my life.) However,
as time went by, I realized that I was not able to afford my living expenses.
(But when times went on, my wallet showed me its bottom and I always worried
about my financial situation.) In order to earn
some money, I got a part time job. (It made me tired and thus, I had no
choice but to get a part-time job to earn some money.) Unlike me, my cousin had
enough time and money because she didn’t have to earn money in order to live.
Her parents provided her with everything. (something to eat and a place to
sleep.) Therefore, she was able to save time and
money and learn things that she was interested in. (It caused her to
save money and time and she used them to learn what she was interested in.)
Leaving my home made me not only feel tired but also waste my time and money.
If I had stayed at my home with my family, I could have done more things that I planned on doing. (other
worthwhile things by saving the resources wasted.) The same applies to those
who don’t live with their parents. (in a
place which is their home although they can live with their family.)
Based on the examples mentioned above, (As mentioned
above, based on my example,) I strongly believe
that it is more beneficial for young people to live at home for a longer period
of time. (can conclude that it is more efficient for people to be with
family. It enables people to enjoy a better quality of life more efficiently.)
Writing
Score (0-30): 15-17
Score
(0-5):2.25-2.50
Grammar
& Feedback: 보통은
주장에 대한 이유를 두 가지 정도 들어주는 것이 맞습니다. 문법적인 오류가 너무 많고 글에 설득력이
부족합니다. 문법, 어휘,
작문 공부를 더 하실 필요가 있습니다. 수고하셨어요.