▶ Your Answer :
A large number of
people might argue that people are kinder these days, since to survive in the
modern society, cooperation is important. (Comma를 과하게 사용하시면 문장이 어색해 집니다. 차라리 A large number of people might argue that people are kinder these
days because cooperation is necessary to survive in the modern city. 가 더
자연스러워요.) Contrary to the popular belief, I think people are more aloof today than they were in the past for these
reasons; the society became has become more
and more competitive, and the economy is getting worse.
First of all, the contemporary competitive society makes people not
to treat others kindly. It is obvious that, in the
modern world, people think everyone else as a
is competitor, rather than a
friend. Many schools, or companies these days require their
students or employees to surpass others. Naturally, people tend to keep in
check of others rather than handling others
smoothly. According to the research conducted by the Seoul National University
in 2016, 87 percent of people who worked at a large company responded that
they feel thought of their co-workers as a
competitors, and tended
to wish to get a higher
evaluation than their peers. Also, 65 percent of
them argued that, they feel not weren’t
close to their peers. It means that, the modern
competitive soceity society made people
feel they are unfriendly towards each
other and treat themselves others unkindly.
Moreover, the recent bad economy situtation situation worldwide has
made people to treat coldely each another coldly. It
is an undeniable fact that when the economy is worse in a bad shape, people get lots of stress since many of
them may lose their job, lose their money, or their company has
bankrupted or even lead to the bankruptcy of their
companies. The bad situation may make people feel terrible in every
situation, and many conflicts may occur. For
instance, when I visited the an undeveloped
country, where everyone was working really hard in harsh situations, I saw lots of conflicts occurring among people, and also there were lots of crimes
as I expected. Everyone felt hard to live lived
difficult lives, they tended to stole
steal from foreigners, who had much money , and
handled foreigners badly, since they felt inferior than wealthy visitors. As
the world economy is getting worse, it is obvious that, people became have become unkinder.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that, people aren't
kinder today than the past times for the reasons I have mentioned above.
All in all, the bad environment of the society makes people treat others badly.
Writing
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Score |
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Comment: |
문법 오류들은 위 지적사항들을
참고하세요. 가장 큰 단점은 comma를 과하게 이용하신다는 점 입니다. 문장 구조 연습을 하시는 걸 추천 드려요. |
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