▶ Your Answer : Some people think that trying multiple jobs
before choosing a career is not important for young adults. However, I believe
that trying multiple jobs before choosing a career is important for young
adults. This is because attempting a variety of jobs enables young people to
broaden perspectives and reach the best decision.
First, attempting various jobs allows young
people to broaden perspectives. Understanding the importance of accepting
different vocational values, and the potential role of experiencing multiple
jobs is necessary to substantiate this view. When choosing a career, young
people will meet new peers from different jobs and backgrounds. In order to
mingle with them, they need to understand different vocational values. Before
choosing a career, trying a variety of jobs promotes young people to give a
good experience to broaden perspectives. Experiencing to a new field of jobs
means opportunities to learn new ideas, because what is commonly accepted as
the young people’s field may not be the case in other fields. Being able to
shift perspectives helps relate better to those from different vocational
values. In this regard, I learned that attempting various jobs encourages young
adults to broaden perspectives.
Second, attempting various jobs promotes
young people to reach the best decision. This is because while an individual’s
perspective on an issue can be narrow and subjective, various spheres' sphere’s
perspective could be is well-rounded and even-handed. Discussions with others invite varying
perspectives to evaluate the issue at hand and this process will always lead to
a better informed decision. 표현이 너무 모호합니다. 직업과 관련된 주제이므로 직업 선택에 있어서 자신에게 '더 잘 맞는' 직업을 갖게 해준다거나, 의사결정능력이 향상된다거나 하는 식으로 좀 더 명확한 표현을 활용해주세요. For instance, my mind had already been made up when
choosing the which company to enter. However, my choice of company gradually
changed as I started to receive from the different sphere’s people who had already
experienced the company life and knew know the implication of company brand in the
real job market. After many discussions, I ended up choosing a different
company. To this day, I am certain I had made the best possible decision for my
work and future. 여러 사람들의 의견을 들어서 결정에 변화가 생겼다는 것은 '직업 선택 이전에 여러 직업을 경험해보는 것'과 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 주제와 연관된 사례를 제시해주세요.
To sum up, I believe that trying multiple jobs
before choosing a career is important for young adults for the following
reasons: to broaden perspectives and reach the best decision. The importance of
my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 시야를 넓히고 더 나은 선택을 할 수 있게 해 준다는 장점이 주제와 잘 맞아 떨어집니다. 내용을 설명할 때 더 분명히 표현할 수 있는 부분들 위주로 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 사례 내용도 주제와 연관성 있는 것을 제시해서 off-topic으로 감점되지 않도록 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Comment : 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |