▶ Your Answer :
Some people look down on subjects like art and music because they are not ‘productive’ or ‘useful’ as they think. , hHowever, I consider think that art and music plays a significant role especially to children. There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, 두괄식 문형에 맞게 음악과 미술을 배우는 것이 왜 필요한지를 먼저 소개하고 논리를 풀어주세요. 이 문단의 경우 세상을 더 잘 이해하는 데 도움이 되니까 가르쳐야 한다는 내용이 요지이니 그 내용이 본론 첫문장에 먼저 소개되는 편이 적절합니다. the school is like a miniature society for children. In school, children learn how to engage with others and gain fundamental knowledge. The purpose of learning subjects like math, history, science, and language is to be able to understand the world and its mechanism in their own view. Teaching art and music to children will lead to better understanding the world, cultivates creativity, and broaden the perspective as well. For example, when I was young, I had a chance to join the private institute of painting class. This experience has had a great impact on me even until now. Because these learning experiences helped me to perform better in school and by associating the complicated or abstract ideas. To be specific, through drawing and imagining imaging my own stories in art class made it possible for me to understand the concept of infinity in math class. For example, Iit was easy for me to come up with the hotel room full of visitors numbered one to infinity. And as the room number one customer checks out, the rest of the entire people should move to the previous room. Likewise, if there were challenging science methods or delicate concept of mathematics, drawing always made everything easier. To sum up, I firmly believe that educating art and music in school will help the children in other areas. As I mentioned above, they are different and creative language in other forms. Therefore, they should be mandatory along with other subjects like math, history, science, and language in school without a doubt.
Comment : 미술,음악 수업이 왜 '필수'가 되어야 하는지 묻고 있으므로 '이런 점이 도움이 되니까 필수가 되어야 한다'라는 main idea가 명확히 드러나야 합니다. 이해도를 높여주고 다른 과목의 학업성취도를 높이는 데도 도움이 된다는 내용은 주제에 잘 부합하지만 내용이 명확하지 않게 느껴지는 부분들은 보완이 필요해 보입니다. 주장이 먼저 드러나는 두괄식 문형에 맞게 구성하고, '왜, 어떻게 도움이 되는지'를 사례 이전에 설명 과정에서 먼저 간단히 소개해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수일치 관련한 문법오류가 많은 편이니 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) |