▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that working in a
company owned by one’s family is an ideal way for one’s better future. However,
in my opinion, it is better for one’s success to work for a business run by someone other than a family member considering two facts. First, through working in unfamiliar environments,
people can get diverse experience. Second, people can get independence and responsibility
without family’s help.
To begin with, considering gaining a
variety of experiences there is no better way than being exposed to different
environment. If people work with their family and in a familiar field, they
cannot acquire a wide array of experience since it is will be intimate for them. However,
if people work with an unfamiliar job field and co-workers, they can gain diverse
experience and , which broadens their horizon of the world, and these experiences can be
of big and helps their for success. For instance, Bill Ggates, who is the founder of
Microsoft, who is known to be one of the richest men man in the world. According to his
autobiography I read a few days ago, it is written that after escaping the boundary
of his parents, he could challenge strange fields and get various experiences and
this became the motivation for his business launch. It is the same for Mark Zuckerberg Marc
Zukerberg, (사람 이름이나 고유명사 쓰실 때 철자 유의하세요~) the founder of Facebook. 사례 내용이 주장과 무슨 관련이 있는지 언급해주는 게 좋아요. ex)'이런 사례처럼 가족과 떨어져서 완전히 새로운 환경에 놓이는 게 성공에 도움이 된다.'
On top of that, without the help of family parents, people can get higher level of independence and responsibility. To be
specific, while working for a business company not related to their family, they
have to solve their problems on their own. It will be extremely tough but,
these kinds of tasks works can improve one’s qualification such as independence,
endurance and responsibility. In the end, these personalities will surely be
the foundation for one’s success. For example, I will talk about two friends. After
graduating college, they entered different companies each. company. The first friend chose the
company his father run and the other one decided to enter the company he really
wanted to work for. As for the former first friend, with the boundary of his father, he
asked his father for help whenever he was in trouble, on the other hand, while the other
friend had to work alone continuously. After a few years, a friend who work in
father’s company was handed down the company, but he could not maintain to run the a business because of lack of independence. In contrast to him first friend, the
other friend gained a reputation in his field with better level of independence.
To sum up, taking diverse experience and
improving one’s personality through working in a business not associated with
family into account, I firmly believe that working in a business run by someone other than a family member can be beneficial for people’s success.
Comment : 전체적으로 논제가 묻는 내용에 적절한 답안을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 개인의 성공이라는 측면에서 근거들을 정리하고 설명과 사례로 적절히 뒷받침한 부분이 좋았습니다. 사례 내용이 내 주장과 어떤 관련성을 가지고 있는지가 명확할수록 좋은 논리가 될 수 있으니 이 부분 참고해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Effectively addresses the topic and task (주어진 주제에 대해 정확하게 이해하고 답변을 제시함) - Is well organized and well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절한 설명과 예시를 사용하여 글을 전개・구성함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence (통일성, 연속성, 일관성을 보임) - Displays consistent facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety, appropriate word choice and idiomaticity, though it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors (사소한 어휘・문법적 오류를 보일 수는 있으나 대체로 적절한 어휘와 표현을 사용하고 다양한 형태의 문장, 유창한 언어 구사력을 보임)
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