▶ Your Answer :
In my view, I think we do not need to know
the events happening around the world. ^ Above
all, trying to know every event happening around the world could distract you
from focusing on your life. Technologies have been improved a lot thereby enabling
us to access diverse and detailed news of the world. Thanks to this so-called
technology evolution, we are able to know what is happening in the city that is
located right opposite to where we are now. However, this seemingly
advantageous thing could distract our lives. The more we are exposed to
unaffordable number of information, the less we can focus entirely on our
lives. This is because, those information unrelated to your life take up your brain
and could interfere you with collecting other information that might be important
to you. Like what? ^
On
top of that, knowing every event happened all around the world will make you an
alarmist. Medias often overstate the seriousness of a situation or the events happened
just in order to attract people’s interests. For example, they exaggerate the
fact that the slight changes of water temperature of a local river as if it is
an omen of demise of entire ecosystem. Subsequently, this news might give huge
impact on people who read that even if the situation is nothing but temporal
changes of water temperature. For this reason, the person who knows more news
around the world could become an alarmist. ^
In
sum, trying to know about events happening around the world is obsolete,
considering that we even have limited time to focus on our lives and we do not
need to worry about all the miniscule things that happened.
Fair (21-23)
서론 -서론이 한 문장인 것 보다는 There are two reasons as follows. 정도로 뒤에 추가하시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.
첫번째 본문 -focus on -technology의 이점과, 우리가 세계 정보를 알 수 있는 점에 대한 설명이 왜 세계 사건을 아는 것이 불필요한지에 대한 내용보다 많습니다. 특히, 마지막 문장에서, 연두색 부분으로 된 부분에 대해, 어떤 정보들이 세계 사건들 정보보다 중요하고 필요한지 더 자세히 설명해주세요. 본인의 주장과 이유에 대한 설명을 중점적으로 서술하셔야 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
두번째 본문 -왜 alarmist가 되는 것이 좋지 않은 일인지 독자를 설득하는 설명이 나와야합니다. alarmist가 좋지 않다고 암묵적으로 깔고 가기엔 절대적으로 나쁜 명사가 아닙니다. 세계의 일에 일일히 과민반응할 경우에 개인에게 가는 좋지 않은 영향에 대해 더 서술해주세요.
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