▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that a university should not spend
money funding social activities to attract good students whereas others do not.
Both sides have their reasons to support their views. As far as I am concerned,
I would say that it is better that the university should spend substantial
amounts of money for social activities to attract good students. There are two
reasons as follows.
To begin
with, by providing social activities such as the student exchange program,
university can attract a lot of great students. I believe experience is one of
the most important factors to succeed in the modern society. Imagine that people
only have textbook knowledge;, their views will be so narrow. In this sense, if
students participate in this program, they can^not only gain diverse experience
but also broaden their horizon toward the world. Therefore, students can build
a more promising future. I will take my personal experience to elucidate my
point. Last semester, I had taken part in an student exchange program so I went
to Canada to study my major, computer engineering. Actually, I was a passive
person. However, wWhile studying in Canada, I met one canadian friend, Kenny, and from him, I could learn his cultures, which changed my personality to be
open-minded and passionate. Finally, after coming back to my country, I have
felt self-confidence in everything I do.
On top of
that, good students would choose a school that offers a variety of social clubs
such as a debating club or a soccer club. In fact, jJoining the social clubs
shows outstanding effectiveness in improving social skills. Modern society
admittedly requires people who surpass others both in specialty and
sociability. To be more specific, interpersonal relationships and social skills
are necessary qualifications for any successful person. Therefore, given the
need for collaboration today, offering a variety of social clubs is more vital
in attracting good students. For example, a study conducted by a renowned
professor named John Peller from Harvard University indicates that students who
enjoyed taking part in clubs in their school attain the goal of successful life
in a much more effectual way whereas having the same accomplishments is
somewhat difficult for students who did
not. Likewise, his research proves that my argument is convincing.
To sum
up, I believe my explanations above sufficiently verify the advantages of
spending a lot of money to fund social activities. Obviously, the significance
of numerous experience and developing social skills cannot be overemphasized enough.
Good (24–30)
서론 -끝에서 세번째 줄에서, better that the university should~에서, better과 should의 의미가 중복적입니다. 둘 중 하나만 쓰는 것이 문맥상 자연스럽습니다.
첫번째 본문 -one of +복수 -세번째-네번째 줄에서, 문장 두개 , 로 이을 수 없습니다. ;로 이어주세요. -그 다음 줄에서, can't를 표현한 것이 아니라 not only A but also B 구문을 쓴것이므로 can과 not 사이를 띄어줍니다. -대소문자 오류
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