▶ Your Answer :
It is controversial whether people
endure their angers in order to get along with other people in competitive
society or not. In this regard, I believe that being patient is not a good way to
live. This is because being patient makes us suffer from mentally mental illnesses and
lose way to fix one’s our flaws.
To begin with, I think that people need
to lose their tempers sometimes. To be specific, if one’s anger is off
the limit, he or she can suffer from mental illnesses of mind. For instance, especially in
Korea, there are so many people, who suffer from mental illness called temper
disease. It normally occurs in Korean society as many Koreans tend to endure their
angers until they cannot endure it. (여기서 generalize 해서 한국인 전체가 이 temper disease를 갖고 있다고 쓰시면 안 돼요. "many"나 "most"를 붙여주세요.) It is similar to depression that might
result in ruining one’s life. The most effective way to prevent it and cure it
is to emit one’s anger in proper time and way a proper manner. Thus, I believe that people shouldn’t hold
back their angers sometimes to be healthy.
Moreover, as people tend to think that
what they are doing is the best and right, we need to teach them what is right or
wrong by criticizing them. To be specific,
somebody might say that we shouldn’t be angry but be patient and kind when we
point out someone’s flaw. I can understand why they are saying something like that. Bbecause when we criticize other people, the relationship of each other can be broken. However, people tend to only think of this criticism as something given with a bad intention, even if it is a constructive criticism given to help others. don’t take into consideration if
they hear about it in kind way. So, I think that we should know how to tell and lose temper
wisely to and give a lesson to people. For example, when I was doing group works in
my school, my team leader blamed me because I had a poor teamwork.didn't cooperate well with my group members. He said me
that I need to get along with other members and share what I am thinking. He
was right. I was sad then as I think that I am poor person realized that I was wrong. But his sentences
changed me and now, I am look up to him. Therefore, I think healthy blame and
anger are sometimes needed.
To sum up, I strongly believe that being
patient is not always a good way to live in modern society for the following
reasons: to be mentally healthy and being to be a better person by accepting blame.
두번째 바디가 넘모 큰것 같아요 호우 ㅜㅜ 그리구 문장이 어색한ㄱㅓ 같ㅇㅏ요 호우 ㅜㅜ 어휘가 부족해서 그런가여
[Score]
19-20
[Feedback] - 현재형과 과거형 중에
한 개를 선택해 시제를 맞춰주세요 - 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세요. Ex. their이 나오면 복수를 써줘야합니다. - 어색한 문장들이 좀 많았어요. 고친거를 보고 다음에는 더 자연스러운 표현을 써보세요. - 그리고 두번째 바디가 적당했습니다! 그렇게 길지도 않았어서 너무 신경 안쓰셔도 될 거 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.
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