▶ Your Answer :
Some people may think that nice appearance
is a significant factor of success. However, in my case, people seriously rank
good-looking over other abilities is not necessary for people’s development and
they could waste time and efforts.
To begin with, the basic of success is
people’s major abilities, not nice figures. The achievement would not be gained through
beauty. People have to spend time and exertion on their job or study. For
example, I will talk about my friend’s experience to illustrate this point. My friend
was interested in make ing up and caring her body and clothes exorbitantly. One
day, she had to prepare interview for having a job. Other friends practiced hard
every day for interview but she only was focused on her make-up and dress. As a
result, she failed her interview since she did not respond right answer to
interviewer. This shows that it is required to enhance their capacities for
winning success.
On
the top of that, excessive to pay attention to their beauty takes a lot of time
and endeavor. Of course I do not say that good face, body and fashion are
useless. To some extent, they might be needed. However, undue to concentrate is
an issue and in worst scenario, some people may be addicted with plastic
surgeries and cosmetic procedures. For instance instant, a study was conducted by The
Ministry of health in 2012 to determine the correlation of the aesthetic
treatments with frequency. The researchers tracked the habits of 200 university
students who had experience in cosmetic management and plastic surgery over a 3
year period. What they found was intriguing. They again did medical treatments
at least from one time to over 3 times. The reason was that if they did not
care them, they felt anxiety and thought themselves ugly even no one considered
them. In addition, they also spent a great amount time and money. This study
proves that too much always ends up wrong.
To
sum up, personal feat be able to be obtained by great efforts plus immoderately
to concern about their looking causes bad situation or waste of time and
tremendous money. In this regard, I firmly believe that people emphasizing too much
emphasize on their beauty is wrong choice.
Limited/ Fair (1-18)
첫번째 본문 -수동태-be p.p gain--> gained -making up--> ~을 만들다; 화장은 make-up/ make up 입니다. -두번째 본문과 길이 균형 맞춰주세요.
두번째 본문 -줄친 부분 불필요합니다. -철자 오류
결론 -파란 부분 이해하기 어렵습니다. -putting too much emphasis on ~ 으로 쓰시던가 본문에 바꾼대로 써주세요. 전체적으로 토픽이, 요새 사람들이 외모에 too much importance 를 주는지에 대한 것이지 이것이 좋은지/나쁜지에 대한 토픽이 아닙니다. 어느정도 off-topic 입니다. 유의해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~ |