Undoubtedly, the television industry plays a significant role in people's daily lives in many of the places where people work or play. Some people think that the purpose of television should be for education, not for entertainment, while others do not agree on the idea. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is not a good idea that the purpose of television should be for only eduction, not for entertainment. There are several reasons as follows.
--> 주제 문장을 그대로 사용하기 보단 동의어를 활용하여 paraphrase해 주세요.
To begin with, when people watch television for entertainment, it can contribute to an increase in their overall happiness. Watching some programs such as comedy shows, music shows and dramas enables them to relax and recharge their batteries. When people are recharged, it is likely to bring a better result in academic performance. For example, Tokyo University found a huge difference between two groups of young adults. One group was consisted of those who spent time two hours watching some entertaining television shows a week, and the other group was made up of those who never watched funny television programs. The researchers found that the former was more likely to have a higher score on the standardized tests (축약형 아닌 전체 이름 표기해주세요) SAT than the latter because most of the first group refocused on their work and studied efficiently after watching television. In particular, the first group showed a longer attention span and a stronger passion in their tasks. On the other hand, the second group tended to get distracted easily and act on impulse during studying. This implies that a few break time is the key to success, academically as well as professionally. Without a diversion, one would fall behind.
--> Template 중 일부 내용이 주제에 적합하게 활용되었다고 보기엔 general합니다. 구체적으로 entertaining program을 보면서 스트레스를 어떻게 해소하고 이 점이 개인의 행복감 및 이후 업무 성과/공부 지표 등에 어떻게 영향을 주는 지 상세히 설명해주세요.
In addition, the television industry with entertainment purposes has contributed to the economic growth by improving the standard of living. This is due to the fact that the industry has provided more fields of businesses such as advertising agencies and music industries; more acting schools, job positions, and higher household incomes were created. This trend has been likely to save people from poverty, ultimately contributing to the overall national economic growth. For instance, the spread of entertainment industry in the 1980s (어디인지 표시해주세요: 예) 한국/미국/영국 등) helped to decrease the poverty rate. The most contributing factor was that the new job sectors gave more people opportunities to work and earn income for their household. In other words, people with little or no income emerged as the new middle class, which played a significant role in promoting the overall GDP. (본 문장과 주제 속 엔터테인먼트 프로그램 간 구체적 상관관계가 있다고 보기 어렵습니다.) This implies that the employment in these business sectors has brought prosperity to people. Without the television industry with entertainment purposes, the economy would have been worse off.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the purpose of television should not be for only eduction. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been efficiently and accurately delivered with the reasons that I have mentioned above. (본인 스스로 '설득력있게 주장을 펼쳤다' 는 형태의 문장보다는 본인이 제시한 이유들을 다시 한 번 더 요약해주는 것이 좋습니다) Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our society.