▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, fuel plays a significant role
in people’s lives in many of the places where people work and play. Some people
think that the most effective way to conserve energy is to raise the price of
petrol whereas others do not. Both sides have their reasons to support their
views. As far as I am concerned, I would say that it is not an effective way to
preserve enegy. There are two reasons as follows.
주제문장 그대로 사용하는 것을 지양하시고 Paraphrase해 주세요
To begin with, when the price of the petrol
goes up, it creates the gap between the poor and the rich. Actually, the
price of the gasoline has a negative impact on people who are mid to lower
income household; if increased price of oil affects their household economy negatively with the increase in price, they are likely to feel depressed. My
cousin’s personal experience can be used to illustrate my point. My cousin,
Tom, had owned a delivery restaurant. Few years ago, however, he suffered from
unexpected oil crisis. When petrol price went up, he could no longer offer free
delivery service for his customer anymore. Finally, his restaurant had lost
customers little by little, and he had to close the restaurant because he could
not operate restaurants anymore.
On top of that, there are other ways to
conserve energy. When the government spends more money on public
transportation, people can save tremendous amounts of energy. The provision of
a more comfort and affordable transportation enables people to commute by bus
or subway. A decrease in number of cars driven on the road reduces the use of
petrol. For instance, the government of the United Kingdom is boosting new incentives such as creating a faster subway and lowering price of a transportation charge to encourage people
to utilize bus or subway rather than their private cars. To take advantage of
these benefits, many of its citizens are affirming their support through the taking
public transportations to get to their destination. As a result, the 20% of the entire usage of petrol in the United Kingdom is decreased.
To sum up, taking the possibility of an occurrence
of the gap between the poor and the rich and the other factors that are more
effective such as the provision of the great public transportation system into
consideration, I believe that the increase in the price of gasoline is not the best
way to preserve energy.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD | FAIR-GOOD
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FAIR-GOOD
|
GOOD
|
FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
Reason + Example이 잘 갖추어져 있습니다. 문장 간 흐름이 매끄러울 수 있게 다듬는 practice가 좀 더 필요한 글입니다. |