▶ Your Answer :
It is evident that in our society, freedom has a tremendous importance important in our lives. Some people think that infringing upon people’s freedom
should not be accepted in any situations, while others do not. I, however,
believe that infringing upon people’s freedom is sometimes acceptable. There
are several reasons to support my argument, so I will limit to the two the most
relevant to the topic: the concept of rule and safety.
First of all, the most important reason why I think this way is that
our society has a rule. Citizens establish the rule based on their consensuses.
This reminds me of a time when my friend, Ki-sub ignored a light signal. He is
always in a hurry. Two years ago, I was in his car and we were waiting a light
signal on the street at night. There were no people around us. After
identifying there was there’s no people, he slowly drove his car to make a u-turn.
Unfortunately, there was a cop. I guess that the cop was hiding himself to
catch drivers who make an illegal u-turn like us. He got a ticket, but he could
not defend himself because he violated the rule which is supposed to be obeyed
by drivers. Some drivers may argue that they have the right to drive their cars
freely so that the light signals infringe their freedom. However, their
argument would not be accepted by our society because it could make the rule,
which we all think important, broken. 규칙이 깨지면 안되는 이유를 설명하지 못하면 '규칙이 있으니까 자유가 제한되어야 한다'라는 주장이 설득력을 갖기 어렵습니다. 사회적으로 정해진 약속이 개인의 자유를 제한하는 경우가 있지만 그럼에도 규칙을 정해야 하는 '이유'를 설명해주어야 해요. 지금 내용은 '개인의 자유가 제한될 수도 있다는 규칙을 사회적으로 정했으니 제한될 수 있다'와 같은 흐름으로 보이기 때문에 논리가 약하게 느껴집니다. '사회 질서'를 위해서 규칙이 지켜져야 한다는 언급만 간단히 넣어줘도 좋을 것 같아요.
Another reason for my thinking this way is that safety is sometimes
more important than people’s freedom. A good example to illustrate my point
would be a car seat. Whenever I drive my car with my baby, I put him into the
baby car seat. Actually, my baby hates his car seat because the room is small
and he feels tightly. However, there is no exception. I forcefully get him into
the car seat because I believe that his safety is way more important that than his
freedom to move while driving. In Korea, it is not mandatory for drivers to put
their baby into a car seat. However, as far as I know, in many of the developed countries
such as the United States, car seats are mandatory for babies. My friend who gave birth to her daughter in a hospital in the States told me that if people do not
have a car seat, they cannot bring receive their baby from the hospital. I
think that although baby may feel that their freedom to move is infringed,
their safety is increased.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe
that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on the matter
regarding the topic.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 풀어주셨어요. 본론2처럼 본론1에서도 자유 침해의 당위성이 드러나는 요소를 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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