▶ Your Answer : It has become a hot topic whether it is essential to be aware of about events happening around the world, even though it is they are unlikely that they will to affect your daily daliy life or not. Some may say that it is not important to know about events that do not directly affect is not affect daily life. However, I agree with the statement as it is obvious that knowing events happening around the world is important. My reasons are as follows.
First of all, because everything becasue everythings are affects each other, someday it will affect my life.To be specific, when one event occurs events are spilt, others also be affected by it is affected naturally. This is because all things in of the world things are connected. For example, when I was a high school student, because I prepared to go to university I did not have any interest in events around the world. I only spent my time in studying because becuase it did not affect my life. At that time, there was a big earthquake in Japan. I did not care about the events. However, after some time I knew that the region of the university that I wanted to study was destroyed. destoyed. Even if I received recieved perfect score to go to the that university, I could not go that university universty because of the earthquake. earthqauke. As a result, I decided to change the university that I did not want to go in a hurry. This is why people should always know about events happening around the world. 지진으로 지망학교가 무너졌다는 내용은 사실을 알고 있었더라도 딱히 나한테 도움이 되는 부분이 없는 내용이므로 사례로 활용하기에 부적절합니다. 결국에는 나에게 영향을 미칠 것이기 때문에 알아두면 좋다는 것이 요지이므로, '알아두어서' 도움이 되는 내용을 제시해주는 것이 설득력을 높이는 데 좋겠지요.
Second, knowing about the events happening around the world enables one to extend perspective even if there is are no any change in life. '전혀 변화를 안 줘도' 라는 전제는 '모든 게 연결돼있어서 결국에는 조금이라도 영향을 미친다'라고 설명했던 본론1의 내용과 모순돼요. Because the world is so vast, there are so many events that can not be imagined in ordinary life. Thinking about the events will be help to extend perspective, which is helpful in one's career. For example, when I was a university student, I read red the world newspaper everyday. Naturally I thought about the events happening around the world every time. It was helpful to expend my perspective. After time, I decided to catch a job in an international world wide organization. When I had a job interview, what I was thought about the events evnets happening around in the world was so helpful. As a result, I could get the job I wanted to get in.
결론 문단 만들어주세요.
Comment : 문제에 대한 나의 입장이 일관되게 유지되는 점이 좋았어요. 입장을 뒷받침하는 논리가 좀 더 설득력 있는 내용으로 발전한다면 더 좋은 글이 될 것 같아요. 오탈자, 문법오류가 많아 내용 전달력이 떨어지는 부분이 아쉬워요. 정확한 문장 구사가 가능하도록 문법요소에 더 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |