▶ Your Answer : Taking time for relaxation has been one of the most important issues in recent lives,society because it has changed people's lives tremendously. From this understanding, I believe that Rrelaxing by doing physical exercise is important for two reasons. Firstly, it helps people to relieve stress and it enables people to broaden their perspectives. Participating in various physical activities to relax has been proven that it to affects people's life cycles in positive ways. Unprecendentedly, recent people are enduring hectic life cycles these days. Every morning, people have to patienty sit through traffic to get to work. Once they are at work, they have to stand handle countless documents and the numerous number of calls from cumtomers customers. and tThey have to work to finish their daily assigned tasks even at home. Such exhausting life cycle wears down people. As a way to manage the enusing ensuing stress, people participate in various social clubs related to physical activities. These activities provides convenience for people to seek diversions to turn their focuses on new, and fresh challenges which they can enjoy. Even if it is only for a short time, it frees people's minds from intense mental pressure they get from their jobs and generate energy to get back to work with better efficiency. Recently, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in a major newspaper, 'The Korean Herald.' According to the article, relaxing by doing phyiscal activities allows people to broaden their perspectives. Currently, today's professions are greatly subdivided not like before and, it is hard for people to take interdisciplinary perspectives. People working in Wall streets only interact with accountants and take perspectives of the an accountant. Teachers only deal with problems occuring inside schools. For the this reason, people are tend to become narrow minded. However, by joining in social group like sports clubs, people gain opportunities to broaden their perspectives. The professor added that, statistically, people who have been participating in sports clubs were more likely to understand and respect other people's views and ideas. Over 80 percent of people who are playing played sports in the social clubs were prone to accept new perspectives and opinions. On the other hand, people who have never joined the social sports clubs only respected the opinions which were similar to their thoughts. The Pprofessor added that first groups showed such tendency dew due to the fact that they had more chances to interact with people in different realms. (Highlight되어있는 부분은 first groups가 누군지 더 자세히 써주셔야 하고 such tendency를 무슨 tendency를 가리키는지도 써주셔야 해요.) To conclude, I believe that relaxing by doing phyiscal exercise is good for the following reasons : to relieve stress and to broaden perspectives. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
2번째 이유 서술부분에 relaxation적인 부분이 아닌 그냥 운동 하면 좋은점을 썼는데 off topic 인가요?
[Score]
24-25
[Feedback]
- 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세요.
- 2번째 이유는 많이 off-topic이지는 않는데 그래도 토픽이 relaxation에 대해 물어봤으니까 그래도 relaxation에 대해 더 써주시는게 안전할 거 같아요. 뒤에다가 "Relaxing by joining sports clubs will not only benefit one's physical and mental health, but it will also broaden one's perspectives by meeting new teammates and learning to cooperate." 이런식으로 thesis랑 묶어 주시는게 좋아요.
- 예시에서 더 자세히 써주세요.
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