▶ Your Answer :
Without doubt, government funding plays a
significant role in people’s daily lives. Some people think that the governments
should spend more money in supporting art museums and music performances, while
others think that the government they should invest money in supporting recreational
facilities. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is better
investing to invest in recreational facilities.
To begin with (?). When the governments spend
more money in supporting play grounds or public swimming pool, it can help the
people to improve their health. When (이전 문장과 같은 구조입니다.) governments funding is used to support recreational
facilities, a lot of facilities is are constructed. As An increase in facilities is
likely to help that increase the number of people who do exercise is increased. For example,
Seoul National University found a huge difference between two groups of young
adults. The first group consisted of those who swam or jogged twice per every a week in at the recreational facilities nearby their house which are funded by the
government. The other group was made up of those who rarely exercised because
the of lack of access to such facilities. Researchers found that the former was
more likely to have a much higher resistance to illness than the latter. On the
other hand, the many of the latter group tended to suffer from adult diseases such as diabetes,
fatty liver disease, and hypertension. This implies that the government funding
to play grounds playgrounds or public swimming pools can improve people’s healthy.
In addition, the government funding for
recreational facilities can help children improve their sense of
responsibility. Many outdoor group activities are held in play grounds playgrounds. These
group activities require them to manage time, abide by follow certain rules, and respect others. For
example, my brother was lazy and selfish. He has changed little by little after
he participated in soccer clubs held at a public play grounds playgrounds. He realized that
his laziness could negatively affect the club members, while his punctuality could
bring up better results. He became more punctual prompt with time, more passionate, and
even encouraged others to be more responsible. This indicates that government
investment to in recreational facilities can help people improve their
socialization social skills.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantage of investing in recreational facilities far outweigh those
of investing in art museums and music performances for several the reasons I have mentioned
above. All in all, the government must prioritize issues and use its budget
more efficiently and wisely.
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30) Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 어색한 표현들이 조금 있습니다. - 문법 실수들이 있습니다. - 제시하신 이유가 적절하고 설명도 잘 되어있으나, 문법 실수/어색한 표현들이 조금 아쉽습니다. - 본론2 예시 (soccer club at playgrounds)는 조금 비현실적인 것 같아요. playground가 놀이터이다 보니 감이 잘 잡히지 않습니다. football field/recreational facility 등으로 장소를 대채해주세요. - 본론1 예시는 너무 당연한 내용을 담고 있어요. 다른 예시를 들어주시는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요.
|