▶ Your Answer : It has become hot topic whether the best way to be happy is to make others happy or not. Some may say that others's happiness is the most important factor to be happy. However, I disagree with the given statement as it is obvious that other's happiness cannot affect one to be happy. (주제 문장을 그대로 복사하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요) First of all, other's happiness cannot bring real happiness because there will be no changes in one's happiness in their life. To be specific, people are selfish. When people make others to be happy, watching others can cause them to envy and feel jealous. This is because there are no visible changes in their life. (이 문장이 쓰인 logical background가 clear 하지 않습니다) This is the reason why others' happiness cannot bring happiness. For example, when I was a high school student, there was a friend who were not did not have confident. I encouraged him to be confident and happy by saying positive things he has. As a result, he found his confidence again and became the most popular student in school. He looked happy. However, there was no changes for me, and I envied him. As a result, I could not be happy. --> 예시가 주제를 위해 지나치게 편협한 내용으로 구성되어 있습니다. 타인의 행복이 나의 행복과 직결되어 있지 않은 것에 대한 "이유"를 작성해야 하며 위 작성된 내용은 주장의 반복외에 구체적인 supporting reasons / evidence라고 볼 수 없습니다.
Second, for making others to be happy, it is essential to sacrifice for others, and this disturbs myself to be happy. When people try to make others to be happy, a sacrifice is required to any situations. If they do not sacrifice at that situations, making others to be happy is nearly impossible. (같은 말이 반복될 뿐 주장에 대한 구체적인 이유/설명이없습니다) This is because happiness is resulted from someone's sacrifice. For example, when I was in Korean army, there was a predecessor. Every time I was with him, I sacrificed for him to make him to be happy, like cleaning and doing the laundry. After I got in the organization, he did the things that he could not do because of the lack of time. He looked very happy. However, as time went by, I felt tired and could not be happy because of the accumulation of sacrifice. This is why making others to be happy cannot bring happiness. "지나친 희생으로 나의 자아를 보호하지 못함으로 인해 오는 정신적 충격 등을 감내하기 매우 어렵다" 등 구체적인 설명과 더불어 조금 더 구체적인 예시 (단순히 희생을 해서 행복하지 못했다가 아닌 ~와 같은 희생을 하였으나 나는 행복함을 느낄 수 없었는데, 알고보니 ~한 사건으로 인해 나는 마음의 상처가 이미 커진 상태였기 때문이다 등)
In conclusion, I disagree with the given statement based on the reasons mentioned above.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 기초적인 단어 spelling 및 문법 실수가 지나치게 많습니다. - 주장하고자 하는 바에 대해 실제로 구체적인 이유/예시를 제시했다고 보기 어렵습니다. |