▶ Your Answer : Some people think that schools do not need to invest more on improving the cafeteria menu or in creasing chances of social activities after school. However, in my opinion, schools have to spend their money to improve the cafeteria menu or increasing chances of social activities after school. There are two reasons. One reason is that having diverse and delicious food make people happy and thus they can relieve stress. The other reason is that if school increases chances of social activities, students can broaden their views. ^ First of all, people can be happy and relieve stress eating many kinds of delicious foods. Suppose that your school's cafeteria has a few menu. Would it be possible to make people happy through the cafeteria's a small amount of foods? The answer will be no. The only key to help people to reduce their stress would be to serve diverse menus in the cafeteria. For example, there was a poll conducted by a group of physiologists with some students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand to the consensus views about merits of increasing the cafeteria menu in our today's schools. An overwhelming 70% responded that many kinds of foods help people relieve stress. The reason was that having a lot of options to choose means that there are many chances to choose delicious foods and thus, people feel happy. ^ Next, through a lot of chances of social activities, students can broaden their perspective. It is required for to people to have a wide variety of knowledge in this world. Imagine people have only textbook knowledge. Their views will be narrow. By doing some social activities, people can not only gain diverse experiences but also and broaden their horizon of the world. For example, when I was 20 years old, I had ve a few social experience. So, I decided to take part in the exchange student program. Thanks to the exchange student program, I could can experience and learn about other countries's cultures and make a lot of foreign friends. It became a turning point in my life. ^ To sum up, increasing the cafeteria menu can help students to reduce their stress. Moreover, through a lot of chance to do social activities, students can broaden their perspective. In this regard, I firmly believe that schools should invest more on improving the cafeteria menu or increasing chances of social activities for the reasons I mentioned above.
Good (24–28) 서론 -what the cause~ disintegratioin is 로 하시던지 본문에 바꾼대로 바꿔주세요.
두번째 본문 -첫번째 본문과 길이 균형 맞춰주세요 -for A to B 틀에 맞춰주세요. -not only A but also B 틀에 꼭 맞춰주세요. -예시에 문맥상 과거이므로 have-->had, can->could로 바꿔주세요.
내용은 괜찮습니다. 실수들 유의해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
|