▶ Your Answer : The development of cutting-edge technologies can be compared to the discovery of the fire because it has affected our life styles tremendously.(비유 좋습니다) With this understanding, I believe that technology has changed our lives in a better way for two reasons. This is because, Technology saves life and provides many areas of convenience to people. First of all, medical techologies increased our life expectancy. People live about three times longer than our ancesters lived around 100 years ago. It may be attributed to the fact that wars are being occurred less, recently. However, we cannot deny that discovery of sensational drugs, for example, penicillin dropped death rate drastically. Also, people dying by due to various types of cancers are declining steadily. A renowned statistics researcher in South Korea recently published an articIle in a famous major newspaper, 'The Korean Herald'. According to the article, the rate of death, caused by cancers dropped to 38% when compared to the number in 2007. He added that due to development of surgical methods and apparatuses and drug delivery system, which provides great convenience in killing cancer cells efficiently without any side effects, contributted to decrease the death rate from cancer. This idea was very convincing and I realized that technology saves lives. (Topic sentence 필요) Around 7 years ago, Steve Jobs promoted a smart phone. Also, 2 years ago Google promoted Google car two years ago. From these progresses people definitely started to enjoy a better quality of lives. In other words, technology provides convenience to us. Before the smart phone, Internet, games, messaging, calling functions were all separated and we had to use discrete devices to receive services. It was uncomfortable and we had to carry at least three gadgets. However, after the development of the smart phones, all the functions were integrated into one device. To add, we don't have to connect typing machine to smart phone to express the intention.(문장의 의미가 불명확) Also, people are easily attempted to use their smart phones while driving, but it is very likely to have a car accident. However, Google car freed us from the 'laber in a car'. Even it might be very short time for people, we have time to relax ourselves in our automatic cars. To conclude, I believe that Technology has changed people's lives in a better way for the following reasons : saves lives, and provides convenience to people. Consequently, the importance of my idea this statement cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
[Score] 24-26 [Feedback] -전반적으로 잘 쓰여진 글입니다. 글의 구조나 문장의 흐름이나 문법, 어휘 등은 좋습니다. - 다만, 문단을 시작할 때 명확한 topic sentence로 시작을 해주면 더 좋을 것 같고,불필요한 수식어나 문장을 줄이고 명확하고 간결한 문장들로 구성해주시면 더욱 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다~ |