Although there is no
complete consensus that has been reached on this topic, yet I would like to
take a stance and make my disagreement with the given thesis that people today
spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than doing things they should
do. In order to substantiate my central focal points, I will provide specific
reasons and explore the given topic in great detail in this essay.
To begin with, I firmly believe that people today do not really spend too much
time on personal enjoyment, not doing things they should do. I am sure that it
is not a big deal to give themselves some times in their daily routines
for their personal enjoyments. On the other hands, enjoyment is really
important in people’s lives. Opponents of my perspective claim that people
would lose focus on what they have to do, spending too much time on enjoyment.
Proponents of this view several points as rationales for their argument and
their argument might have some validity. But after closer look, there exists an
abundance of examples that calling call into
question what they claim. Among such examples, my personal experience can
elucidate their incorrect viewpoint. For me, doing a personal enjoyment is
really important all the time, this is because I can relieve my stress. While
living in a same kind of daily routine, I get a lot of stress from many things
such as relationship with people, studying, and etc. For this reason, I spend
my spare time with doing some enjoyments. However, I do not think that I
spend too much time on enjoyment and it does not mean that I neglect to do what
I have to do. This is because I think it is really important to spend spare
time with enjoyment while doing the tasks that I have to accomplish. And
without spending some of my time for enjoyments I would get a lot of stress as
much as I would not be able to live well. This validates my earlier contention
that people today do not really spend too much time on personal enjoyment. (comma이용을 너무 많이 하세요. 문장 구조로 실험을
하시면서 최대한 comma이용을 줄여서 쓰시는 연습을 해 보세요. Enjoyment라는
표현을 너무 많이 사용하셨어요. Doing some enjoyments 라는 표현은 거의 사용하지 않고, do something for enjoyment라고 쓰는 게 더 자연스럽습니다.)
The account of mine that I illustrated above is not the only evidence to
support my view. A recent survey conducted by one of the leading educational
consulting firms in Korea endorsed my opinion when the survey respondents were
asked whether they sided with the argument that people spend too much time on
enjoyment rather than doing things that they must do or not. A leading
educational expert claimed that it is proved
proven that a person who spent his or her time
with enjoyment could concentrate better on his or her work and efficiency of
work was much higher than a person who spent his or her time with doing
required tasks (문장이 너무 길어요. 중간에 한 번 끊어주세요.).
Moreover, the expert asserts that one thing that is assumed for all people is
that people do a better job when they are doing what they like to do. Likewise,
spending some time with doing enjoyment will bring about positive effects for
people’s daily lives and better results on their tasks.
In conclusion, in spite of the fact that there may be some opinions that people
spend too much time on enjoyment rather than doing things they should do,
taking into account of all the factors that I described above, we may reach to
the conclusion that people do not really spend too much time on their personal
enjoyment, not knowing what things they really have to do.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
19 |
Overall Comment: |
문법 오류가 많습니다. 템플릿 활용은 좋았지만, 문법 오류들 및 과도한 comma 및 단어 이용 때문에 흐름이 좋지 않았어요. 자세한 코멘트는 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
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