▶ Your Answer : Whether treating pets as a member of their family is good or not is a prevalent topic undergoing debate among some people. Many opinions and thoughts exist with regard to the topic (앞의 문장과 반복적) After reviewing the opinions from several perspectives, I personally agree to the idea that having a close relationship with pets is good for the following three reasons.
To begin with, some views of experts give me important information to decide my own choice about the topic. (이런 문장보다는 정확하게 이유를 나타내주는 topic sentence가 좋습니다. ex. having close relationship with pets can remove traumatic memories of people.) According to the research conducted by some experts working at Seoul National University in Korea, approximately seventy five percents of people rearing their own pets can clearly forget some traumatic memories when doing activities with their pets such as jogging. These kind of activities allows them to which means that having a close relationship with pets have a mentally good impact on our daily lives. With the consequence of the research, I can definitely claim that we should try to have a familiar relationship with our pets.
Secondly, my past experience, helpful to choose my option in regard to the topic, can be a good reference. (Topic sentence1과 동일합니다. 주장을 분명히 나타내주세요) For me, I don't have siblings in my family. It means that Since I am the only child, I was so lonely when coming back to home after playing with friends. Moreover, my parents were and are very have been always busy for their jobs, thereby can not play with me even at home. At that time, a cute dog raised by my family became a good friend to me. Its meaning is not The existance of the pet was not limited to just pet but considered as my best friend. Thus, I was able to relieve my loneliness well. Influenced by the past experience, I can clearly assert that having a good relationship with pets is better than considering their pets as just cultivated animal.
Lastly, a philosophical proverb can also help me select my own choice as to the topic (마찬가지). The philosophical sentence, helpful for learning realistic wisdom appropriately applied to the topic of today, is "Pets never betray.", which means that they are always with owners and stand up for them. For example, they can bark loudly to get away some thieves for our family. (예시 더 써주세요.) Considering the meaning of the philosophical sentence, the option I choose is even better than another option.
In conclusion, I agree to the idea that having a good relationship with pets is good for the some reasons mentioned above. Therefore, I highly recommend that people who don't raise their own pets at home should consider to bring or buy some. It would definitely have a positive influence on your life. (토플 에세이에선 사실 또는 의견을 기술하는 것이지 조언이나 충고하는 말투의 문장은 쓰지 않습니다~)
[Score] 19-20 [Feedback] -글의 구조나 아이디어들은 좋습니다. - 다만, topic sentence 는 위에서도 언급했듯이 주장을 명확하게 포함한 문장이어야 하구요. 불필요한 문장이나 미사여구가 너무 많습니다. 간결하게 정확한 문장을 쓰도록 해주세요~ - 반면에 예시는 부족합니다. 예를 들어 pet은 절대 사람을 배신하지 않는다는 것에 대한 예시가 '도둑을 쫓는 것' 하나일린 없겠죠. 언제나 주인 곁을 지킨다던지, 슬플때 재롱을 떨며 위로를 해준다던지, 위험한 상황에 닥치면 조그만 몸으로 필사적으로 주인을 지킨다던지 등 다양한 예시를 들어주세요.
수고하셨습니다! |