▶ Your Answer :
It is often say that using smart devices when students are studying is a coomon thing in our life. There is a controversial issue regarding
whether it is beneficial for students to use smart devices to learn more
effectively or not. After taking into consideration of the idea from several
aspects, personally, I agree with the idea that using smart devices is helpful
for students to learn more effectively for two reasons. The first is students
can save time and money. The second is it is convenient to use smart devices
when students are studying. To
begin with, smart devices have many helpful factors for studying. The reason is
we are able to save time and money, so we can spend time and money more wisely.
For example, I have studied using smart devices. When I was going to high
school, I could not couldn’t go to academy because there is no academy in my hometown. To
overcome this problem, I watched the Internet lecture using smart pad in
anytime and everywhere easily. If it was not for the I were not had smart pad, I could not have
studied well, and then I could not couldn’t go to university. Therefore, it is a good way
to use smart devices when students study.
In
conclusion, I strongly believe that my standpoints of the two opinions are
sufficiently convincing. The first is smart devices make us use time and money
efficiently and using smart devices is convenient. In this regard, I agree with
the idea that students should use smart devices when they study.
인트로, body1, 결론만 첨삭해주세요!
Fair/ Good (21-24)
첫번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. couldn't--> could not -끝에서 세번째 줄 문장에서, If I did not have a smart pad 혹은 바꿔드린 대로 바꿔주세요. 원래 글은 문법적으로 오류입니다. -내용면에서, spend time and money more wisely에 대한 내용이 부족합니다. 또한, 예시에서, 현실의 한계를 극복하게 해준 면이 돋보이고 시간과 돈을 더 잘쓰고 절약하게 해주는 내용이 없습니다. 본인의 이유, 설명, 예시 세가지를 유기적으로 연결시켜야 설득력있는 글이 됩니다. -또한, 본문이 서론만큼 깁니다. 서론을 길게 쓰신 것도 있지만, 본문의 내용을 더 보충해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |