▶ Your Answer :
Many opinions may exist over the argument that whether it is better to work for family business or
someone I do one does not know. As far as
I am concerned, I am in complete agreement with the argument. (argument가 뭐죠?) The two ideas stated below can be valid evidence to support my view. (주제가 가족 사업을 물려 받는 게 좋은지, 아니면 모르는 타인들과 같이 사업을 하는 게 더 좋은지 둘 중 하나를 고르는 게 아닌가요?)
First of all, working for new people who has have had different careers with you enables people to
learn more and cultivate potentials. People today are living in a world of
meritocracy where only extremely talented people can survive. Consequently,
many people suffer physically and mentally from tight schedules and highly
competitive environments. In the long long run,
many people cannot but miss chances to delve into various issues for
self-improvement. Therefore, it is better for people to work with new co-workers and boss because it provides
people with the perfect opportunities to learn know-hows and skills for solving
problems from them. Also it is beneficial for people because they can give you
new information and advices that could not be obtained from family members. A
post by a renowned sociologist Simon Choi on his Linkedin indicates that most of
the people can gain higher skills and experience when they work in
unfamiliar environments likes new people and new place. He also mentioned that
these conditions can help people to enhance their ability because they can
acquire different ideas and make creative solutions.
On top of that, people can be less stressed by working
for other people than your family since it is effective for boosting people’s
moods. People nowadays get weary with too much stress. Moreover, family
members, especially parents are always trying to
give an advice for their children, even though it become a stress for their
children them. (고유 명사를 적극 활용해 주세요) By working with new people, however, they can temporarily forget about
their family problems and gain some breathing space. According to an anonymous
poll conducted on a Facebook survey page, shows that more than 70 percent of
respondents answered that they like to interact with other people than family
members for work and study. Some people also commented that they usually feel
stressed when their family members give an
advice and help for their study. The result of the
poll can sufficiently support my perspective.
To sum up, I believe my explanations above
sufficiently prove the advantages of working for
other people I do not know. Obviously, the significance of enhancing skills and
escaping from stressful situations cannot be overemphasized enough. Hence, in
order for people to acquire these benefits, working with new people is a
the better decision.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
17 |
Overall
Comment: |
서론을 많이 헷갈리게 적으셨어요.
어느 Argument를 지지하는지 명확하게 적어주세요. 추가적으로 문법 오류가 좀 있어서 감점을 드렸습니다. 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
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