▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, paying attention to something plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people might think that people spend too much time to pay attention to on the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers or famous people, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is true that today’s people spend too much time paying to payattention to the personal lives of celebrities. There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, 나의 입장은 사람들이 너무 과하게 유명인사들의 삶에 신경쓴다는 점이므로 '어떤 점에서 과한지'를 main idea로 먼저 소개해주어야 해요. 광고들이 관심을 많이 끌어서 그렇다는 '근거'가 아니라 '너무 많이 신경써서 실생활에 이러이러한 악영향을 미치므로 과하다'하는 식의 표현이 더 적절해 보여요. people have much more interest interesting in on celebrities’ lives because of the impact of advertisements. Today’s advertisements are using the various images of celebrities, such as movie stars and, famous models to attract people’s interest interesting to their products. When people take these advertisements, they are likely to have much more curiosity on entertainers itself as well as commodities by diverting their interest to famous people. For example, when my brother was in a high school, he watched a commercial in which an idol singer named called Ariana Grande took an espresso shot every morning by using an espresso machine, instead of eating a proper breakfast. He was attracted to the idol singer’s smile and purchased the espresso machine to re-enact the same image. In addition, he searched every news article about her, imitated her fashion style, and went to every concert for feeling intimacy. As a result, he only concentrated on the singer’s lifestyles by dropping his grades in high school. Without the advertisement, he would have moved forward by focusing on her life in school. All things considered, I strongly believe that today’s people are spending too much time to pay attention to on the celebrities’ personal lives for the those reasons I have mentioned before. All in all, this trend will continue and pass down to the next generation as long as advertisements use entertainers’ image for to promote their sales.
Comment : 논제에서 찬/반을 묻는 문장은 '사람들이 과하게 신경쓴다고 생각하는가/아닌가'이므로, 왜 사람들이 과하게 신경쓰는지에 대한 설명 대신에 '이러이러한 점을 생각한다면 과하게 신경쓰는 게 맞다'라는 논리가 되어야 적절해요. 무엇때문에 사람들이 유명인사한테 신경쓰느라 시간을 많이 뺏기는지 질문한 것이 아니니까요. 질문에 적절한 답변이 되도록 먼저 주장을 정리하고, 두괄식 문형에 맞춰서 단계를 구성해주세요. 사례로 사용된 내용은 충분히 활용할 수 있으니 흐름만 다듬어보시면 될 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |