▶ Your Answer : Whether people can borrow money from their friends or not is a prevalent topic undergoing debate in our out daily life. Many different opinions and suggestions exist in regard to the topic. After reviewing the opinions from several perspectives, I personally agree to the idea that money should not be borrowed by their from friends for the following three reasons.
First of all, some views of experts and my hometown's policy influenced by them give me an inspiration to make my own determination about the topic. According to the research conducted by some experts working at Seoul National University in Korea, approximately eighty percents of people borrowing money from their friend lose their relationship, which means that finance-related problem between friends is considerably lethal. Affected by the information of the research, Pyeoung Teak, the city where I have lived for my whole life, has attempted an epoch-making method. The method is to make ad encouraging people not to borrow money from their friends. The attempt is recently considered successful and many positive consequences continue to arise up to now. 문맥상 너무 어울리지 않는 흐름의 사례인 것 같아요. 친구에게 돈을 빌리지 말 것을 제도적으로 만드는 것은 현실적으로 너무 어색하기 때문에 템플릿을 외워서 단어만 넣었다는 인상을 줄 수 있어서 위험해요. 밑줄 친 부분은 제거하고 먼저 '왜' 친구에게 돈을 빌리는 것이 관계를 상하게 만드는지에 대한 설명 위주로 내용을 제시하고 서울대학교 연구결과를 사례로 연결해서 문단을 구성하면 훨씬 좋을 것 같아요.
Secondly, a philosophical proverb also helps me decide my own option about the topic. The philosophical saying, helpful for learning realistic wisdom appropriately applied to the topic of today, is "Friend is much more important than money", which means that making money-related problem with friends is negative. 친구가 돈보다 중요하다는 내용이 친구 사이에 돈을 빌려주면 안 좋다는 내용으로 연결되기는 좀 어려울 것 같아요. Considering the meaning of the philosophical sentence, I can clearly affirm that people should give up spending their friend's money.
Lastly, the my past experience can be a good reference to select my own decision with regard to the topic. In the past, I have experienced an accident considerably similar to the topic mentioned above. When I was second grade in middle school, I totally forgot the fact that I had borrowed money from my friend. Regardless of the amount of the money, my friend got angry at that time, thereby our relationship went goes bad. Affected by the past experience, I can strongly assert that people should not borrow money from their friends.
In conclusion, I agree to the idea that borrowing money from friends is very bad for some reasons that I have mentioned above. Therefore, I strongly recommend that although however economically urgent we are, we should solve financial problem on our own.
Comment : 근거로 제시하는 부분을 '어떤 점에서' 관계에 해를 끼치게 되는지에 초점을 두고 더 풀어주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 몇 가지 사례들로만 입장을 뒷받침하면 과도한 일반화로 논리를 완성하고 있다는 인상을 주기 때문에 점수면에서 불리할 수 있어요. 친구 사이에 불신을 조장하게 된다거나 하는 식으로 구체적으로 '왜' 인간관계에 damage가 되는지를 잘 드러낼 수 있게끔 내용을 재구성해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 어색한 표현들도 함께 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |