▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that parents do not have to take care of their children more than the past. However in my opinion, children are looked after by their parents more as time passes. ( 주제 왜곡하지 않게 주의해주세요) This is because crime rate is increasing, and children tend to be affected by mass media these days.
To begin with, we are live in a dangerous world today and cannot escape the dangers of crime. Since the world we live in is completely different from the past, people nowadays should try to be careful wherever they are. For example, there was a study conducted by the Gallup organization to determine the increasing number of crime from the past. The researchers compared the amount of crime of the past and nowadays and the result was very intriguing. The rate of crime increased by 50% from 1950s; the crime against children has increased drastically as well. there were much increased crime about child. The reason is that people are so busy that they cannot afford to care for other people these days. This study proves that parents should be very careful for their children. (범죄율이 올라간 것은 아이들의 보안/안전 문제와 긴밀하게 관련이 있습니다. 단순한 수치 변화가 아닌 이유로서 주제와의 연관성 (특히 아동을 대상으로 한 범죄가 늘었고 이런 아동들을 보호하기 위한 부모들의 다양한 노력이 돋보인다; 스마트폰 추적 앱 등)을 작성해주세요)
On top of that, nowadays, there are a lot of influence produced by diverse media source such as internet, television and music. Many people like these media and are easy to be affected by those. For example, I will talk about my experience to elucidate my point. I have a younger brother. When he was in elementary school, he suddenly started to speak bad words and do violent actions. My parents asked my brother where he learned such behavior words and acts , and he told me that he learned them by watching movies on television. My brother could easily watch a lot of movies and dramas on television, so my parents started to restrict his time to watch the television. Through experience, I think young children have to be cared for by their parents since there are too many media alluring them to learn inappropriate behaviors. (이유를 다시 한 번 작성, 강조 필요)
In a nutshell, taking the dangers of today's world and the influence of mass media into consideration, there are much higher importance of looking after children than the past. In this regard, I firmly believe that parents should be more concerned about their children.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GOOD
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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