Many people are addicted to on their phone nowadays. We literally can do anything by our smartphone such as talking to people, playing games or searching anything we wonder. Due to these reasons some people might think that it is more difficult to educate education children today than the past. In my opinion, however, I firmly disagree with this statement. There are two following reasons why I disagree.
First, students can make themselves away from their phones. Many people say that it is difficult to stay away from their phones. However, there are some solutions for this problem. One of the solutions is downloading application which can keep make people from using not to use their phone. In this application, once we set the timer they will not let us use our phones. Only The only thing we can do is watching the clock. For example, I used this application when I have to study. I tried to concentrate on my studying but I wanted to use social networking Web sites so badly bad such as Facebook or Instagram. At first, I was afraid to block my phone by this application. However, it worked great. I could concentrate on my study for 3 hours more than before. 폰 사용을 막을 수 있느냐/없느냐를 묻는 문제가 아니기 때문에 '아이들을 교육하는 것'까지 논증이 더 전개되어야 합니다.
Second, there are always something that interrupts us from working. Today, the task which makes it us more difficult for us to do something is our phone. However, there was must be something that interrupted people in the past. Such as comic book or go to liver something like that. For example, my parents always told me not to addicted to on my phone. They also told me that before the smartphone was invented, students used to go out and play actively all the time after school. Not just staying in the house all the time like today. This means they had something that bothered bothers them like phone in today. 이 문단 역시 마찬가지로 교육이 더 쉽다/쉽지 않다와는 관련이 없는 답안입니다. 질문 내용은 결과적으로 '그래서 요즘 교육이 더 어렵냐/아니냐'이므로 이 부분까지 모두 연결해서 논리를 풀어주어야 합니다.
In conclusion, these are the two reasons why I disagree with the idea of educating children is getting difficult due to the phones. People can escape from phones if they try to and difficulty of educating children is are not just today's problem.
Comment :
폰중독 등을 얼마든지 컨트롤할 수 있고, 예전에도 아이들을 방해하는 요소는 많았기 때문에 교육이 과거보다 어려운 것은 아니다, 라고 연결되는 흐름 자체는 나쁘지 않지만, 이 내용이 본론에서 충분히 설명되지 못했기 때문에 질문에 대한 답변으로는 아직 아쉬운 점이 있습니다. 결과적으로 질문이 묻는 내용은 '교육'이므로 폰을 쓰지 않을 수 있는 어플리케이션 소개나 과거에도 어려운 게 많았을 것이라는 식의 내용에 초점을 두는 것은 논점을 흐리는 요인이 됩니다. 논제에 정확히 답변할 수 있도록 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. 시제와 수량표현도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5
An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary
(답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)