▶ Your Answer :
Young people know how to find fun activities, and older people need to spend more time taking to take care of their family members. For these two reasons, I believe young people enjoy life more than older people do. First of all, young people easily find fun activities they can enjoy on the iinternet, so they tend to enjoy life more than older people do. Nowadays, the Iinternet provides information for interesting outdoor activities to participate in and resources to make a hobby at home, such as travel guides, locations of recent hot places for delicious food, and how to make resources using usual materials for home decorations. Young people than old people have been are more prone to the Iinternet services in general than the elder. They can search these tips and crucial information to join and utilize these activities using internet search engines without a great effort. Sometimes they can easily obtain useful information while surfing on the several social network services, such reading posts from their Facebook friends. However, the old people are not used to utilizing utilize those web services. Instead of using the Iinternet, they mostly obtain such information through television and radio or conversion with their old friends. It is obvious that these routes are somewhat limited comparing to the Iinternet in terms of the amount of information available and effectiveness for searching tips for activities. Thus, young people can easily gain important sources to enjoy their life using the Iinternet than older people can do through their primary routes. 인터넷만이 정보의 출처라고 보기는 어렵기 때문에 젊은이들이 인생을 즐길 수 있는 팁을 더 빠르고 효율적으로 얻으니까 더 잘 즐긴다, 하는 식으로 보편적 서술을 해 보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 나이든 사람들은 인터넷을 잘 못 쓰니까 인생을 잘 못 즐긴다, 라는 결론으로 연결되는 것은 조금 어색하니까요. 현재 글은 설명만 쭉 나열되어 있는데, 반복되는 부분들을 정돈하고 사례로 주장을 뒷받침해주는 구성을 만들어주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. Second of all, older people younger people tend to save their time that can be used for enjoying their life than young people while older people are busy taking care of their family members. In general, young people do not have responsibility to feed their family members and raise up sons and daughters whereas older people need to earn money and time to prepare their support for their family members: for example, they need to earn some extra money for paying the tuition of their daughters. Thus, due to the pressure to earn more money and spend their time taking to take care of other family members, they tend to be deprived of save some time otherwise they can use the time and money to enjoy their lives. My father works ten hours everyday, which includes weekends in order to earn more money to pay the university tuition that my brother may need in one year later. Thus, he does not have time to enjoy his hobbies due to the limited time and pressure for the preparation. On the other hand, my older sister who has not married yet enjoy her life by attending two out-of-campus social activities and planning and doing au euro trips every summer. Her life style to enjoy her life is possible because she is young and accordingly her responsibility for their family members is are low. 개인적 경험담을 사례로 활용하는 것은 괜찮습니다. 주장 내용과 연결된 부분들도 잘 드러나 있고요. 이 문단에서 아쉬운 부분은 표현이 정확하지 않다는 점입니다. save는 사용할 시간을 비축하는 느낌이기 때문에 the older가 시간을 빼앗긴다/시간을 할애한다/자신을 위해 시간을 사용하기 어렵다, 하는 식으로 명확한 표현을 써 주는 것이 좋습니다. All in all, I believe young people can enjoy life more than older people for two reasons: young people can find more activities and resources through the Iinternet easily than older people can do with their primary routes to find those sources, and older people cannot spend tend to save their time to enjoy their life for their responsibility to take care of their family members.
Comment : 기본적으로 정보/책임 측면에서 논리를 구성한 부분은 아주 좋습니다. 비슷한 내용을 불필요하게 반복하거나 표현이 정확하지 않은 부분들을 위주로 검토하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 내용을 무조건 많이 쓰는 것보다는 '단계적 구성'이 잘 드러나도록 보여주는 것이 점수에 유리합니다. [주장-근거2~3문장-사례3~5문장-주장강조하며 마무리]와 같이 문장 수를 정해두고 개요를 짜서 구성하면 시간 절약에 도움이 되니 참고해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |