▶ Your Answer :
It is of great worth to discuss whether or
not the ability which people do to relate well with others is more important than studying hard in
school. While some people might agree whit the statement, the others might
disagree with it. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the notion that it is
better way to improve the social skills for success in a future job as following reasons.
First of all, relating with people plays an
important role in broadening our their perspective. This is mainly because we can
readily exposed to the fields and studies that we have never seen before while
interacting and socializing with one another others who have different majors and
interests. Consequently, we can take a quantum leap in intellectual growth
thanks to having a relationship with others. From my experience, when I was in college,
I always spent my spare time with friends who were in soccer club. As a result,
by talking and sharing my opinions with friends, I could learn about a wide
variety of unique regional cultures such as music and dialects which people cannot
learn by only studying in school.
In addition, socializing with people is
directly correlated to success in careers. The bond with others helps people
develop the capability to cope with team projects in work. Moreover, as modern
society is becoming increasingly specialized and competitive, today’s job
markets require job candidates with such qualities. A few weeks ago, I had a
chance to read an op-ed piece which was related to the topic. It describes the
result of a survey conducted by the Ministry of Labor of Korea. In the survey,
the employment interview was the most important component in hiring practice,
taking up more than 70 percent of the final call. The interviewers looked at
the applicant’s knowledge and skills mostly related to the capability to get along
with others. This implies that having a good relationship with others is a secure way for
people to prepare for the future.
To sum up, it is frequently argued that
studying hard in school is important. However, I strongly agree with the statement
that the ability to relate well with other people is more crucial than studying in school to be successful in a future job.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 구성해주셨어요. '미래 직업에서 성공하기 위해서'라는 주제에 맞게 본론1에서도 직업적인 요소가 한 문장 정도 더 보완되면 좋을 것 같아요. 시야가 넓어야 직업적으로 도움이 된다는 점을 간단히 언급하면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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