24. The younger generation at present
helps others more than those from the past generation. A/DA
Some
people think that the young generation at present help others more than those
from the past generation. However, in my opinion, the young generation at
present help others less. This is because they do not have enough time and
money for helping others.
To
begin with, these days people do not have enough time for helping others and even
taking care of themselves. To be specific, young people have a lot of things which they have to do like studying, getting a job or earning money. They are too
busy focusing on their own life. So, they cannot think about others' other’s life. For
example, many of my friends think helping other people is for people who are
rich or have a lot of free time, and that is not their concern because helping
other people is not in their priorities. Their priorities are filled with their
future and themselves. They think there is no space for others. This shows
directly that young people cannot focus on others and helping them.
On
top of that, the younger generation do does not have enough money for helping
others. generation은 상황에 따라 단수로도, 복수로도 받을 수 있지만 글 안에서 한 가지로 통일해주는 게 좋아요. 계속 복수 취급했으니 이 부분도 do로 수일치시키는 게 나을 것 같습니다. In fact, we have more money than before, but also the price of a lot of
things is also increased as well. In detail, we should buy more expensive houses and
more expensive cars and we pay more expensive our university fees and so on compared
to the past. For example, my father always talks that in the past, he and his
friend could can pay their university tuition fees by money which he had earned during summer
vacation, but now, their kids' next generation’s university tuition fee is almost two times more expensive than their monthly salary for a month. Consequently, they could not look around others these days. They
just focus on their family. For them, they themselves and their family are is more
important to them than others’ lives. From my father’s story, I can recognize
that compared to the past, our generation cannot afford is sometimes not enough in order to
help others.
To
sum up, because the young generation does not have enough time and money, it is
hard to help others. In this regard, I believe that the young generation in the
present helps other people less than the past.
Comment :
주제에 맞게 주장을 잘 제시해주셨어요. 논리 흐름도 모두 잘 구성되어 있습니다. 오탈자와 문법오류, 어색한 표현 위주로 검토해주시면 될 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5
An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following :
- Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated
(문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함)
- Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details
(적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections
(중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning
(글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)