▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is more beneficial for young people to opt a career that is different from their parents' job. However, in my opinion, the young have much more advantages if they work in the same field as their parents., This is because parents can provide young people with very useful advices and young people are able to utilize their parents' professional relationships.
To begin with, young people can reap benefits from their parents' very professional advices . They can get helpful information related to their job. These This information can be a basis of to the success of the young. For example, I was a teacher in a high school a few years ago. It was the first time that I had to should teach students how to study English. My students' listening performance were was poor worst at listening. in the school. So, I decided to call my father who had taught teached English for a long time. My father told me to show an American drama or movies to my students and he said that it would will be a great chance for the students to enhance inhance their listening skills. As my father had told me, I showed displayed an American drama to my students everyday after school. Three months later, there was an English exam, and my students recorded high scores in the listening section. If my career me an my father's career had been were different, it would have taken take long time to achieve such a good result in my career.
On top of that, parents provide young people with their relationships in the job field. It is very useful because the young can exploit these relationships to their work. There was a poll conducted by a professor at Seoul National University with 200 young founders as respondents. The purpose of this survey was to understand the consensus view of establishing a company. The majority of respondents replied that they could found their own company due to their relationships with other pioneers. pionieers. They said that the pioneers pionieers worked with their parents long time ago. Thanks to their parents, they could get a lot of information about job-founding. 선구자들이 부모와 연줄이 닿아있었다는 사례는 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 커리어에서 중요한 것이 인맥이라는 점을 연구결과 사례로 보여주고, 부모가 그런 인맥을 이미 가지고 있으니 활용하면 좋다는 내용은 설명으로 풀어내는 것도 신빙성 면에서 좋을 것 같아요.
결론 문단 만들어주세요.
Comment : 각 본론에서 제시한 두 가지 주장 모두 아주 좋습니다. 논리적으로 설명을 잘 생각해주신 것 같아요. 문법오류, 어색한 표현, 오탈자 꼼꼼하게 봐주시고 결론 문단까지 마무리해서 글 완성해주시면 훨씬 좋은 점수대의 글이 될 것 같아요. 시간 조절 잘 하셔서 꼭 완성된 글 제출할 수 있게끔 연습해주세요. 서론과 결론 먼저 쓰고 본론을 쓰는 식으로 시간배분하면 시간조절하는 데 도움이 되니 참고하세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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